So Taguchi's House of Super Fun Time

Arsenal vs. Chelsea Game Diary

2009-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

0’ - Good morning! We are live with Barry’s Irish tea, Brown Dog and fuzzy slippers! Arsenal has won only two of the last 15 meetings with Chelsea and are missing Robin van Persie and two defenders. Arsene, what’s German for “uh, oh”? I’m going with “ruh-row, Raggy.” Jon Champion is our commentator.

2’ – Ancelotti is wearing a black watch stocking cap. He looks like a mad Greek sea captain that turns traitor on James Bond – “Moneypenny tried to warn me about you, Capt. Zyrosgatos…”

8’ – Poor Ashey Cole is booed every time he touches the ball. Fortunately for him this only represents about 4.2 seconds of the elapsed 8 minutes to this point.

11’ – First case of Cesc-ual misconduct as Fabergas flops in front of Mikel.

14’ – Gunners controlling play here in the early going. New left back Traore looking dangerous on the wing.

19 – Ooh, looked like Sagna pulled down Anelka in the box. No call. Referee Andre Marriner isn’t Irish, is he?

20’ – At this point, Ashley Cole is giving it away more than Britney Spears did during the “Dream within a dream” tour.

27’ – Brown Dog is giving kisses during every close-up of John Terry. I am unsure of the significance.

29’ – Interesting news from the sideline – a small camera was evidently thrown at Fat Frank Lampard from the crowd. Polite Arsenal fans didn’t want to offend by tossing Nutri-system meals or gastrointestinal bypass literature at him.

38’ – I actually believe that Ashley is purposely getting rid of the ball as soon as he can to avoid the boos. He’d rather stay out of the play than get booed – what a douche.

42’ – GOAL! Nice finish from Drogba on the feed from Ashley. For fantasy team purposes, this pleases me greatly. I apologize, Ashley.

43’ – The Greek sea captain gives a fist pump on the sideline. “Zess! Meester Bond, I told you that my associate from Ivory Coast vuld come through.”

45’ – GOAL! Ashley’s cross sets up an own goal by Vermaelan. For fantasy team purposes, this displeases me greatly.

Half – Weird half. Arsenal controlled play, but never looked dangerous. It looks like they miss van Persie. Arsene just said “No shit, Sherlock” in German.

46’ – Theo on for Song. Do you think Arsene did his best Cliff Huxtable impression at halftime? “Theooo, my son, do your best. My lovely wife Cammmilllee and I want to see you succeed. You see.” Probably not.

(Note to readers under 30: the above refers to The Cosby Show. This was inexplicably the most popular television program of the 80’s despite the ubiquitous presence of hideous sweaters and Lisa Bonet.)

48’ – Arsenal finally looking dangerous. Goal taken away after Cech gets bailed out with a foul. When Arshavin’s face gets all screwed up with disappointment he looks like a giant infant. I shall now call him “Man-Baby.”

57’ – Arsene swaps the Mexican Vela in for the Brazilian Eduardo. On a related note, I swap caipirihas for Dos Equis. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis.

65’ – JT complains to Marriner after big man hug from Verms. Still unsure why this elicits kisses from Brown Dog.

71’ – Ashley pulled for Ferriera. The Emirates crowd give him a warm reception in recognition of his Arsenal days. No, not really.

78’ – Ancelotti has lost the sea captain hat and is back to resembling a museum security guard.

86’ – GOAL! Drogba again. Didier+Rooney=fantasy gold this week.

94’ – Full time. The museum security guard almost cracks a smile.

Made up Sports Quote of the week from Fuzzy Zoeller on Tiger/Elin controversy: “Well, she’s Swedish so she can probably just buy him a new car window at Ikea, or wherever those people shop.”

Fantasy Picks to Click This Week: With Stewart Downing as the new Gareth Barry, I like Ashley Young to kick it in like the old days (last year). Burnley is horrible on the road, so how about a look at Pompey's Dindane? (Yes, I know its Pompey) I like how Traore handled the left wing vs. Chelsea and since the Gunners are home to Stoke this week and he is cheap...

"Scenes from a Restaurant" OR "Why I Love South City"

2009-03-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

SCENE I:

Patron (to Bartender): Man, I usta get wasted all the time at your old place.

Bartender: You weren't the only one.

Patron: Hey, what's your brother been up to?

Bartender: He's in jail, actually.

Patron: Oh, sorry to hear that.

Bartender: Yeah, long story

Patron(to guy on next barstool): I guess that's why he hasn't called me back.

SCENE II:

(Cook comes behind bar with 24 oz cup. Begins pooring Jack Daniels into cup.)

Patron: You know you can't drink Jack Daniels at their distillery. It's a dry county. You ever been there?

Cook(doesn't look up, removes spout from bottle to make for easier pouring): No.

(Cook fills to rim of cup, about 1/3 of bottle, turns and walks back into the kitchen.)

(FADE)

FIN.

Adam

2009-01-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

In late October 1918, my great-grand uncle (is that a legit term for a relative?), Adam lie in a ditch in France waiting to go out of his trench in attack of a German machine gun. He was more than 4,000 miles from home - from the country he was fighting for - yet he was less than 500 miles from the birthplace of his parents.

More than 90 years later I am freaked out by how much he looks like me.

I wonder what kind of thoughts entered his mind. I wonder what he thought he was fighting for - for his country, for the nation of his forebears, for the freedom of Europe or was he just scared and regretting what had been a breezy decision many months ago to join the army?

Adam was the twin brother of my great-grandmother, Eva. (yes, Adam and Eva) They were born in 1893 in Toledo and were raised on a farm in Michigan. When my great-grandmother married and moved to the city, Adam lived with them for a time, then joined the army. My great-grandmother lived a long life and I still have a teddy bear she gave to me when I was a small child.

My great-aunt provided me with photos of Adam before he went to war. Some are the typical kind you might get at Six Flags or the like today - just a teenage kid with his sister and friends posing in a fake "Seeing Toledo" carriage. His sister - my great-grandmother - was beautiful, a trait she passed down to my great-aunt, although she claims her mother was the beauty, not her.

Knowing so little about his life, I still keep coming back to what Adam must have been thinking as he was charging a German machine gun post mere days, unbeknownst to him, of the war being over. I found a quote of an American soldier during that time:

"There are two chief reasons why a soldier feels fear: first, that he will not get home to see his loved ones again; but, most of all, picturing himself in the same position as some of the dead men we see. They lay there face up, usually in the rain, their eyes open, their faces pale and chalk-like, their gold teeth showing. I remember hundreds and hundreds of dead men. I would know them now if I were to meet them in the hereafter."

I wonder if he felt this fear as he charged. I wonder if he only single-mindedly saw the machine gun, trying to get it before it got him, as he was shot. I wonder if he felt relief and joy that the War was over as he lie recovering from his mustard gas infected leg. I wonder what his last thoughts were as he slipped away and was laid to rest as little French girls decorated his grave with flowers festooned with red, white and blue ribbons - just three weeks after the Armistice.

World War I had such a devastating effect on Europe, that today different countries mark its remembrance in different ways. In England, who lost over 700,000 sons, in November you still see everyone from newscasters to soccer coaches to everyday people wearing blood red paper poppies, a reference to John McRae's poem "In Flanders Field" to honor this loss.

In Poland it is a holiday of celebration as it marks the rebirth of a nation which had ceased to exist for more than a century of rule by Russia, Austria-Hungary and Prussia. It is a Polish version of the 4th of July with parades and fireworks.

I hope and wish Adam knew the role he played in this celebration of the place of his parents' birth - that he felt that he had contributed something and his life was not wasted - and that I am the first of my family to visit his grave in Countrexville, Vosges, France and tell him myself.

Dear St. Louis Voting People in Charge (SLVPIC),

2008-11-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

- Isn't there a better way to organize than 3 lines based on what letter your last name starts with? This sounds good in theory, but as an "R," I was cursing my ancestors while staring at the empty S-Z line for 90 minutes.

- During this 90 minutes I also enjoyed having any "S-Z" person who entered escorted like a lottery winner by a poll worker - (speaking of pole workers, I think I may design a "Strippers for Palin" t-shirt - I just like how that sounds) - past the poor hordes whose parents hated them enough to saddle them with a "J-R." Sample lyric: "Zimmerman? Well, today is your birthday, honeybaby. You follow me..."

- I did like the "poll man in charge" telling the Republican Barbie observer to stay behind the table and observe, not interfere. I believe she spotted an Iraqi gentleman in line and tried to search him fo WMD's, invade his peanut M&Ms and liberate a green one in the name of freedom.

- The "poll man in charge" also yelled at the workers for verbally expresing their preference for voter registration cards as methods of ID to us in the huddling hordes. Apparently, they are not allowed to express any preference of a type of ID. Hearing this, I whipped out my fake ID fromhigh school identifying me as "Jim Morrison" with a bleach blond mullet. The workers were not amused - I think they were afraid of "poll man in charge" if they so much as cracked a smile.

- Can we all agree going forward to call the guy in "gentleman's clubs" who tells you not to touch the strippers as the "pole man in charge?" All in favor? Motion carried. Democracy in action!

When the dog bites, when the bee stings...

2008-10-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

These are a few of my favorite words -

Underpants (to a lesser extent "panties" as well - yes, I am 11)

Autumnal (I just used this in a work setting to blinking, blank, uncomprehending stares)

Uncomprehending Stares

Cocksucker (1 swear word + 3 "k" sounds = winner, winner chicken dinner)

Winner, winner, chicken dinner (I can be folksy, bitches)

Exuberance

Boutros Boutros Ghali (I miss him)

Abbastanza Bene (try yelling it in a bad Italian accent while drawing out the two "n" sounds. See, that was fun! Almost as fun as ...)

A barrel of monkeys ("monkey" is also a great word solo or when paired with "underpants" in any context)

Brougham (pronounced BRO-ham) Noun

1. original meaning of "a light horse-drawn carriage with driver outside in front"

2. taken by Cadillac as a model name

3. now used as a less formal form of "Brother" as in "Hey Bro-ham, lend me the keys to your Cadillac Brougham."

Soccer and Wrasslin

2008-10-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Greatest soccer coach in the world, Jose Mourinho, with WWE's Vince and Shane McMahon

You would think that the lowbrow exercise that is professional wrestling has nothing in common with the highbrow enterprise that is professional soccer. The obvious link is that middle-class Americans tend to lift their noses and sneer at both. But as we have seen in the last two election cycles, America can be wrong.

I shall attempt to help you appreciate these worthy pursuits and their commonality in the tapestry of all that is good and holy.

The main thing they have in common for me is that they share TV time in my Monday night laundry fest - Fox Football Fone-In at 7, WWE Raw at 8. They mainly share underrated brilliance - wrestling has scripted athletic intensity - soccer has unscripted athletic radiance. Since you, the humble, unknowing neophyte may need guidance to see the light, let me elucidate matters for you.

First, the passion of both cannot be denied. Your typical Amazing Race, Dancing With The Stars, CSI: Tucson, MLB, NHL viewer will never see the joy of a perfectly executed bicycle kick goal or leg drop from the top of a 20' high steel cage. They have never felt the pain of their team being relegated to a lower division or had to look at the puss of the Great Khali in HD. This passion carries over to the personalities involved.

Take the cases of David Beckham, footballer and John Cena, wrestler.

The girls and casual observers that follow wrestling ans soccer loove these guys.

And why not? They appear in commercials with Fat Jared from Subway, Calvin Klein, Hans Wieman, Johhny Wad's Erection Rocket Pump, etc. They are handsome and handle their respectful field duties reasonably well. On the other hand, the hardcore fans HAATE these guys. To them, these two represent the Johnny Come-lately's who don't go about their business "the right way" and have not "paid their dues" and "disrespect the game." These are the Trekkie/LOTR/Comic book guy geeks combined with your grandpa that still complains he can't listen to Dinah Shore or pay $0.05 for a Nehi anymore. When the dorks and the bimbos go to war, it certainly is fun to watch.

The comedic value of the two entities is probably the best part. I give you the fake Italian guy (um, he's a wrestler, not a soccer player. Italian soccer player fakers are another blog altogether) with a unibrow, Santino Marella:

(in verry bad Italian accent) "I'll beat you like a rented mule, or a mule for purchase, bottomlines is, if there's livestock involved I'll beat you like it."

"If you wear a mask, it mean one of two thing. Either you ugly or... you are the Batman. ...And you sir are not the Batman!"

On the soccer end, the songs sung at matches are hysterical. On Chelsea's new Brazilian manager Big Phil Scolari, for example.

(to the tune of "Amore"):

"When it's World Cups you win, and Gene Hackman's your twin, you're Scollarrri..."

As I leave you to ponder my fondness for these hidden gems, let me remind you of their ubiquity. You can watch WWE Raw on Monday, ECW on Tuesday, Smackdown on Friday, on top of pay-per-view and other operations such as TNA. Soccer has English Premier League, MLS, Serie A, La Liga, plus these teams compete in other competitions including FA Cup and Champion's League - then there is the World Cup... Go watch. You owe it to yourself. And each other....

Prez Debate Diary

2008-10-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Nothing interesting to write about, so let's do the thing that writes itself - Debate Diary!

I am joined by two needy cats, Trader Joe's wine, a hot lady in a stocking cap and Papa John's new Indiana Jones XL pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and black olives. USA v. Trinidad and Tobago soccer will be a part of the action via split screen viewing.

Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown host the "Most populous political team on television." I may have even seen Marliyn Quayle hidden somewhere behind that Hispanic dude's eyebrows. Bob Schaeffer of CBS is our moderator. I am glad McCain will have someone to share potty breaks with.

8:05 - JM looks better tonight - more dapper and less angry. Maybe he got a gift certificate to where Rick Patino buys his suits and Bob Dole slipped him a Viagra.

8:20 - We have found the catch phrase of the night - Joe the Plumber - JM wants to lower his taxes, BO wants to raise his taxes - Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney want him released into the deep woods with only a bowie knife and duct tape so that they can redo "The Most Dangerous Game." Plumbers are good eating.

8:35 - JM just compared the Irish tax rate on businesses (11%) to the USA (35%). As the Irish have spent these tax breaks on blood sausage, poor dentistry and sheep, I don't understand his point. If elected, I would force the Irish to spend this savings on time management classes, deodorant and speech lessons. Feck ya!

8:40 - JM now wants to take both a hatchet and a scalpel to the budget. If he wants to get back i the race, he would make a commercial like those Direct TV ones that edit scenes from old movies. I see him taking a hatchet to Scatman Crother's chest ala "The Shining" and taking the scalpel to the "really big fat girl" in "Silence of the Lambs."

8:41 - Jozy Altidore takes on 4 T&T defenders to set up a cross.... GOOOOOOOAL! 1-1 in the 68th minute.

8:46 - Mr. Bob: "Gentlemen, why do you think your running mate is better than the other guy's?"

Obama: "Seriously? I cede my time to John. I can't wait to hear this shit."

Sorry, that was all of America's answer, not Obama's. My bad.

8:47 - I am 73% sure I just heard JM say about Palin: "she is a breast of freth air". I may be wrong. This Trader Joe wine is making JM sound like the ocean.

9:00 - Hot lady in the stocking cap thinks JM has a deviated septum because of his weird huffy nose noises he is making when annoyed at BO. I blame some bad guacamole from the Scottsdale Chili's (i want my baby back. baby back. riiiiiibs)

9:15 - Last question o' the night: "Our educational system sucks. What up players?" Bob waited until the last question to thug it up a little. Obama's answer: "Parents need to have their kids put away the video games and turn of the television." yesssss! I would add no fucking dessert until you take out the garbage. And stay off my lawn. Punk.

Quite a fun evening overall. I'll let Bill Bennett have the last word: "McCain has corrected crazies in the audience before. He told that one lady, 'Obama is not an Arab, he is a good man.' " Whaaa?

Worst T-Shirt Slogans of 1987

2008-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

These are not real t-shirts. These are bad ideas of mine.

I'm With Stupid, um, I mean Robert Bork

"Perestroika" is French for "Father Stroika"

Does Klaus Barbie Come With An Albert Speer designed dreamhouse?

You can't spell Jessica Hahn without "C-a-n-s"

Mrs Gorbachev, I want to part your Berlin Walls

Segovia is Dead, but his fingernails keep growing

I rescued Baby Jessica and all I got was this dumb t-shirt

I just may design one of these if anyone complains.

David Caruso Theatre

2008-09-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

Note: I have not actually viewed an entire 'CSI: Miami' episode. The following tele-play is only based upon trailers I have seen or an accidental few seconds seen while remote surfing.

(our hero enters an abandoned South Beach nightclub bathed in early morning sunlight)

Chick underling: "Lieutenant, the victim is Senator Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee

DC (crouches over body, sunglasses in mouth): Bailout heal thyself...

DC (grimaces, puts sunglasses on, stands up): It looks the gentleman from the great state of Connecticut now goes by...

DC (takes sunglasses off, turns to camera, lowers voice an octave): ...Senator Chris Dead

(cue: LOUD SONG BY 'THE WHO'...)

Musical Picks and Pans

2008-09-17T11:05:00.001-07:00

You will now read about the last five CD's (Yes, I still say albums) I purchased. You don't like it? Tough. Go read someone else's boring ass work stories instead(Rita is SO loud and her cubicle is RIGHT next to mine). Yes, I still buy CD's and don't download stuff. If you are all smirky over that, I mock your non-tactile, internet-hugging, no attention span soul. You still here? Ok, then.

1.) Modern Guilt - Beck
I usually love the Becks. Good grooves, good times. Fun lyrics. The DVD that came with his last album cracked my shit up to no end (Hey, lets make videos to all my songs consisting of us dressing up in whatever crap we can find around the house, dance around and lip sync, shoot it on this digital camera, play around with all of the settings on said camera and release the DVD with my album!) However, this CD just sounded like one long bwrr-wrr-wrr noise. I replayed it a couple of times and the sound changed to a wrrp-bow-bp. Just a very uninteresting record.

What Spin magazine would say: "Beck, the baby-faced beat chameleon, sucks us in again with a rhythm that runs the gamut from bwrr-wrr-wrr to wrrp-bow-bp."

2.) Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
I didn't know what to expect from this, as I just bought it on a whim from a friend's recommendation - I was thinking it would be a little alt-country-ish. Instead, the sound is really unique - a ethereal, ghostly lead vocals with harmonies and spare instrumentation. I like it more upon each listening. Enjoy it while driving through nature on a sunny Fall day.

What Spin magazine would say: "Fleet Foxes' haunting, soaring melodies belie their sweet lyrical tidings."

3.) Alejandro Escovedo - Real Animal
I've always liked his stuff, but not enough to really dive in and be a huge-o fan. This CD is really nice from beginning to end. All of the songs are co-written with Chuck Prophet and you can tell. They have that CP jangly feel to them, as well as his "shouted more than sung" vocals. I may go back to some of earlier stuff. I like his very listenable style.

What Spin magazine would say: "C'mon like we are ever going to hate on this kind of guy. That would be like criticizing Jesus. Or Wilco."

4.) Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Yeah, yeah - don't roll your eyes at me. The thing is, the only criticism I hear of these guys is: "These snobby punks are ripping off African music and are shoving their preppy whiteness in my face." So the problem is people do not like their image. Referencing Cape Cod parties and putting chandeliers and boaty shoes in their album art pisses people off. Why? Would you rather they fake being garage band punks instead of Columbia frat boys? Anyway, the music is rather good. On some tracks, it's like somebody took Paul Simon's Graceland and added some interesting twists and turns. On other tracks, it's more straight ahead rock y roll.

What Spin Magazine would say: "Pure. Unadulterated. Genius. We can not hype these guys enough. On a related note, there is zero chance that we will like their next album."

5.) Black Kids - Partie Traumatic
Want something peppy, but can't bring yourself to spring for Vampire Weekend? I challenge you to listen to "Look at Me(when I rock witchoo)" and not dance like that guy with the Happy Mondays. It's infectious rhythm-y fun.

What Spin Magazine would say: "Is it Post-Dance or Neo-Hip-Hop? Our 'Pretentious Music Labeller Magic 8 Ball' is on the fritz again."

Dear Miss Sunday,

2008-09-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Hello, I wouldn't expect you to remember me, but I was a student in your 6th Grade class at St. John's Elementary in Toledo a number (25? sheesh.) of years ago.

Your name crossed my memory banks as I was driving home yesterday evening when the Police song "King of Pain" came on the radio. I recall learning this song, as well as perhaps some Carly Simon songs ("You're So Vain", maybe?) as a part of your class.

As I thought about it, I realized what a great experience your class was and outside the norm of the typically staid/unchallenging Catholic grade school curriculum at that time. So, I wanted to personally thank you for going the extra mile in reaching out and engaging myself and my clasmates at a higher level than what was required or expected.

Teaching seems to be a somewhat thankless job, so given an opportunity to show my appreciation, 25 years after the fact - thank you!

Your efforts then played no small part in helping shape the critically thinking, socially conscious, 37-year old urban dweller that I am today.

Sincerely,
DR

STL

Is This Woman Hot?

2008-09-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

"OMG, she's a MILF!"

"Gov. Palin is hot, dude."

Really? Far be it from me to define beauty for the masses. Far be it from me to judge the tastes of J. Crew buyin', plaid sportscoat wearin', Dave Matthews listenin' frat boys everywhere. BUT, seriously?

We are supposed to be "excited" about a candidate because she wears some ugly-ass frameless glasses even Jodie Foster wouldn't be caught dead in?

Isn't there some "absolute value" we can put on beauty? Do we have to conditional-ize it with "...for a woman of 45..." or "...for a lady with 5 kids..."? Seriously, I could understand if she was making public appearances in a short mini-skirt or low-cut shirt (I almost said blouse - no, I'm not gay). However, anything we have seen her in seems to be from the 'Jacklyn Smith Frumpy Alaskan Housewife' collection.

I'm not even (that) upset that people are going to vote for her because she's hot. I just don't think she's hot.

Before you write me off as a pig because I am anti-cougar or anti-breeder, allow me to retort. I have a wide berth and unusual slants when it comes to this. Within the 15 year age window that I have dated in since 2005, the highest age bracket has been, by far, the hottest in my opinion. Bjork is my celebrity exception for crissakes. OK, maybe I am anti-breeder, but stay with me...

Finally, as beauty is at least 27% beyond looks - is there any way a gun toting, pro-lifey, Mrs. degree earning from Idaho, oil bidness flunkee, abstinence only fascist that sounds like Marge from Fargo be considered hot?

Actually, maybe the gun toting and Marge sounding-like thing together could work if the porn plotline was good enough and the production values were okay...

First Lady Breakdown

2008-08-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

I really don't know much about the 2 potential First Ladies, so I thought I'd investigate the two and see what pops up. (Of course, I really don't know anything about Laura Bush either, but stay with me - I'm bored, ok?)

So, with that I shall break it down for ya.

break it down (v.)
1.)To dance; "Won't ya, uh, break it down, break it down fo me," -- Nelly (Errtime)
2.)To analyze a concept into simpler, easier to understand terms.
3.)To have sexual intercourse.

Just the #2 today, thank you...

ISSUE #1 - FASHION CHOICES

Good Cindy:

Bad Cindy:

Good Michelle:

Bad Michelle:

ADVANTAGE: Michelle - At least her "BAD" can be worn while parting the Red Sea. Cindy's "BAD" looks like she was in a domestic dispute with Uncle Sam ("Don't you point that finger at me, mister!")

ISSUE #2 - INTERESTING BIOGRAPHY NOTES

Cindy: Her family owns one of the largest A-B distributorships in the U.S. She had to go into rehab because of a Percoset/Vicodin addiction. She once had a special ed career at Aqua Fria High School in Arizona

Michelle: She once was a Board Member of a Wal-Mart supplier. Her brother is the basketball coach at Oregon State. Her first date with Barack was to see "Do the Right Thing."

ADVANTAGE: Cindy - C'mon, this one was easy. Booze, pills and retards? Good for her. Bonus points for "Aqua Fria" High School. Cold Water High School? Really?

ISSUE #3 - SENSE OF HUMOR

Cindy: In August 2008, "someone shook [Cindy McCain]'s hand very vigorously," aggravating her existing carpal tunnel syndrome condition and causing her to slightly sprain her wrist."

Michelle: "There’s Barack Obama the phenomenon. He’s an amazing orator, Harvard Law Review, or whatever it was, law professor, best-selling author, Grammy winner. Pretty amazing, right?"

ADVANTAGE AND MATCH: Michelle - Ok, she wasn't hysterical, but whining about carpal tunnel? No White House for you, Cindy.

"I'm Looking For a New Love, Baby...

2008-08-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

...yeah, yeah, yeah" More Jody Whatley!

That song now will be in your head all day AHAHAHA!

Alas, I'm do not wish to discuss THAT kind of love - I am quite happy with Ms. Whitlow(no photo available at press time), thank you very much.

I am referring to when a young man's fancy turns to more heartbreaking stuff than male/female relationships - yes - soccer, futbol, football.

When all is right with the world, your club is winning, the sun shines, birds sing and your luxury sedan purrs with joy.

Then, out of nowhere, a few losses beget a few more losses. Panic sets in. Confidence is lost. A season which began with such promise and excitement ends on the last day of the season with (gulp)...

RELEGATION for Reading

What is a beau with no beauty in the English Premiership to do? I could follow her down to the lower division. However, I could not be with her every Sunday, as television here in the States regretfully does not pick up such games. Long distance relationships never work out. A break was best for the both of us. After a sizeable mourning period, I am now ready to move on. Several ladies have flashed their eyelashes at me and I have some decisions to make.

The Big 4 are out (goodbye Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal, ManU) - imagine a Montreal Expos fan switching to the Yankees. Fan=sellout.

There's always Newcastle, the crazy ex-girlfriend. It would be fun for a awhile, no doubt. But the great sex would soon enough lead to her setting my clothes on fire in a drunken stupor and then puking all over my Playstation.

No, I narrowed my search down to two choices: Pompey and Villa. They both have much to recommend. Pompey is coming off a FA Cup title run. They still have a crusty English manager - few teams do anymore. Their stars are fun. Their jerseys are pretty sexy - blue tops and red socks -

yum, better than Rachel Weiss in black and white. And their name is fun to say - Pompey!

Aston Villa, on the other hand, has my favorite manager: Irish-tactician-Martin-O'Neill. This is all said as one word.

They also have fun stars: Gareth Berry-savior of England and Agbonlahor (how fun is that to say?). And, this is very important - a bald, American goalkeeper. My old love (sniff) also had a bald American goalkeeper. And since I'm trotting out all the lame love/sex euphemisms - the bald American goalkeeper thing works - ha-ha, tee-hee, whoa (snort).

Bald American Goalkeeper signs lame-o jersey

BUT, I couldn't really get over their lame-o maroon and powder blue jerseys and was leaning towards Pompey, when...

I found the new Villa jerseys online

SWEET!

SO, we were married last Tuesday. I think we'll be very happy together. For now.

Powell's Big Ass Bookstore

2008-07-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, I have just returned from the Pacific Northwest to this STL furnace of love. While in the Portland area I experienced many fun/exciting/disturbing things, including, but not limited to, romantic beach bonfires with, uncomfortable stares from cougars, and scary PT Cruiser rental car adventures.

However, the most neat-o thing was going to Powell's bookstore in downtown Portland. The world's largest independent bookstore, it takes up 2 stories of an entire city block. I got lost more than once and it was a bit overwhelming in a completely nerdy fanboy kind of way. I thought it would be fun to randomly select five books, choose passages from said books and have you, the Gentle Reader, try to match the book to the passage.

Now the quotes may not be exactly right, but the staff was eyeing me writing stuff down, so I had to be quick.

#1: I felt it was a horror to eat meat that had been fed grain - instead of feeding grain to cows, people should be eating the grain.

#2: "Any given black person," he shouted, "is seventeen times more likely to kill a white person than vice versa." "Are we to remain silent?"

#3: Her arresting blue eyes were looking up at him now. She bent low and let his lips get tantalizingly close.

#4: "Soon we will meet," an ancient voice conveyed - the silence had been broken.

#5: Bloody Mary hooked both hands in Sparkle Plenty's studded belt and gave it a yank sending them both into the audience.

BookA: "Beautiful Stranger" by Julie London
Book B: "Songs of Earth and Power" by Greg Behr
Book C: "Rollergirl - True Tales from the Track" by Melissa Jordan
Book D: "A Walk Across America" by Peter Jenkins
Book E: "Confederates in the Attic" by Tony Horwitz

Bonus points for guessing which one that I have actually read. Answers will be posted at some point in the future. Void in AR,MS,AK and FL. Irish need not apply. Answering too quickly may increase the risk of anal discharge.

Underground STL, Volume 2

2008-07-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

How about Tuesday night STL ideas?

Tuesday Night - Mangia Italiano has half-price bottle o' wine night. If the present weather situation holds for awhile (ie - not a million motherfucking degrees per usual) it is a great locale for South Grand people watching. The food is outstanding, local, fresh, homemade - I can't think of anything on the Hill that compares - and the preparation is always perfect. My favorites are the Chicken Pappardelle and Spaghetti Mangia.

Added bonus - no real Eye-talians work there so you can pepper your conversation with, "Honey, git us another bottle of this here Wop wine" or "My neighbor is always sneaking around in his greasy Dago way" without getting into a fight.

Tuesday Con't - Trivia at Newstead Tower Public House at 8pm - the place (in the Grove at Manchester/Newstead) has a cool "gastro-pubby without pretentious douchebags" feel. I always judge a bar by what kind of glass they serve vodka in. I can't get God's Water at Mangia because they serve it in these miniature brandy goblet thingees. At Newstead, I receive my birthright in a weighty, beautifully carved, marbled glass vessel of love. My loins tingled just thinking of it.

ANYWAY, the trivia is run by Tenacious Trivia. The game at Newstead is different than the ones that they run at other bars - less pop culture, more stuff that proves you went to college outside of Missouri. For example, no "Friends" questions, but you may need to know what underhanded ploy the British tried on Gen. Washington in NY - smallpox ridden blankets, of course. As long as you realize that you are playing for second behind "Team Giacomo"(Yes, that's my team, idiot - maybe you shouldn't play after all) , a good time should be had by all. It's free to play, the prizes are usually free drinks of some kind and it is way laid back.

Granite City's new Chamber of Commerce slogan:

2008-07-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Granite City - Where Serial Killers Come to Party!

The Swell Season

2008-05-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

SO, I saw The Swell Season at The Pagaent last week. You know the Irish guitar guy and the Croatian piano girl from the movie "Once"? No? Nothing? Well, rent the movie - it's pretty good.

SO, the opening act was a couple of Irish busking dudes. They were doing their oh-so-charming Irish pitter-patter and guitar dealio when they introduced a song thusly: "We wrote this song about a subject oh-so-dear-to-us (pronounced as one word)..."

SO, I'm thinking, "OK, genocide in Darfur, the price of gasoilne, American beer advertising..."

Um, no.

"...the Irish Potato Famine of 1847."

Really? Serious, micks, get over it. If it's not the potato famine, it's forced labor on building railroads or some other crap. Is there a whinier group as a people than the Irish? At least "the troubles" with the English happened in the last century. Since Bono already covered that territory, I guess they need to go further back.

Am I writing ditties on the Soviets letting the Nazi's wipe out Warsaw in 1945?

Are Archduke Ferdinand's survivors penning menacing warnings to Bosnians?

Is Britney still trying to compose a masterpiece to get back at Justin for "Cry Me a River"?

Ok, I'll give you that last one.

More Scenes from Chicago Midway

2008-05-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

and we are live from a barstool in Manny's Cafe...

Overtanned, shirt opened, late 20's male (in Brooklyn accent):
"So, yeah, the trip was five grand, but, yuh see, I won aNOTHer five grand, and we spent that, too. But we were doin, ya know...

[Bartender, I need 3 cosmos, a Bel& soda, a Ketel One & soda with a lime]

...we were doin riDICulous shit, rentin boats, boat CRUISES, fishing, what have you. RIDICulous.

Older lady runs up: Hey, they're boarding us right NOW...

NY Dude: What happened to the 30 minute delay? Aw hell, make that 3 more Bud Lights.

Bartender: You still want the cosmos and vodkas?

NY Dude: Yeah - and 3 more Bud Lights. So, what happened to the 30 minute delay?

Older lady: I dunno. They just... we're boarding now.

NY Dude (to one in particular): The guy said a 30 minute delay.

Bartender: That's $61.75

NY Dude: Thanks. Hey, buddy (making a big show), THIS is for you (hands bartender a $20 bill).

NY dude and older lady swagger off down the terminal carrying drinks.

FIN

Umbrella Man

2008-04-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Metrolink, Friday 4:53 pm:

SO, in a pouring rain. A 40-ish crazy-eyed man boards the train (shit, I am NOT going to rhyme this entire entry).

His huge golf-sized umbrella (hey,hey,hey - under my umbrella - hey,hey,hey) is still open and he attempts to close it OR he might have been showing it off to the rest of us, "Look at me! I'm somewhat dry in large part due to my massive canvas elliptical shield."

As the umbrella finally reaches a partially closed position, the train lurches forward and the man, off balance, goes flying backwards. As it happens, an Asian doctor from Stanford was next to me. Now, usually Asian doctors from Stanford and I do NOT get along. Beware, their Kung fu is strong, VERY strong. I smite you, Asian Stanford Doctors (henceforth, ASDs).

HOWEVER, this particular fine day, myself and the ASD joined forces to save wayward umbrella man. SO, when last we left this story, umbrella man was flying horizontal through the train. (Don't you miss Brock-abrellas? I do.)

As I was SAYING, as umbrella man is floating in slow motion through the train, ASD and I form a forearm web by joining wrists (I TOLD you the ASDs Kung Fu is strong) saving dork-abrella from certain death.
So, what was his reaction? Did he express gratitude for our fast reflexes? Was he humbled by his close encounter with a metal train pole?

Um, not so much.

His (kinda) verbatim response: "We try to make every other country like ours and THIS happens? What if I had a baby in my arms? It would have landed way back there! I wish I HAD gotten hurt. I wish I DID have a baby in my arms. No, I don't wish that. I don't wish any harm on any baby. " He then repeated various forms of this screed louder and louder until he got off in two train stops.

I was speechless - I would have settled for a simple thank you. OR perhaps an offer to allow me to shove his fucking oversized golf umbrella (hey,hey,hey) up his ass, open it up and twirl him like a party favor.

His invective about making every other country like ours was especially confusing. Train drivers in Bangalore are obviously a much more sensitive lot - they start their trains very gradually so that their slightly inebriated passengers keep their balance. That is, until IBM and HP and United Airlines starting outsourcing their operations out there. THEN, the train drivers over there went all Crazy Train (aye,aye,aye) stopping and starting so quickly that their umbrella laden passengers started going all Mary Poppins through the jungle, just missing holy cows and pissing off the Hindus.

Goddamn you George W! Now you are pissing off Muslims AND Hindus. We don't want any part of a Hindi jihad - mark my words.

UndergroundSTL, Vol I

2008-04-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, occasionally I'll be posting these nuggets when I come across some signs that we live in a Real City and not a Big Suburb. Thanks to the sexy, talented, smart, nimble, bruised Betha W. for letting me temporarily steal her idea.

So, have you have been to Cheokee St lately? Not saying you need to purchase a beat up typewriter or other knickknacks, but there are a lot of cool digs that way. Starting with the Mexican food joints - La Vallesana, Garundo's and where we ate - Taquiera Bronco. If you have ever been to Mexico, this is the kind of food that instantly transports you back there.

As you eat the small tortilla tacos with hot beef, pork, cilantro, onions, etc and the 1 Liter Mexican size Coke bottles, you can close your eyes and remember standing on a back street somewhere in front of a small taquiera stand, a purple turtle squatting next to you speaking in tongues - note: don't try the brown acid in Mexico.

Further West on Cherokee is a new print shop, All-Along Press, 3155 Cherokee. Very neat-o spot that has the feel of some college kids playing around with new found printing equipment. A bicycle in the window powers one Rube Goldberg-y print contraption. The items for sale are good fun - a dead bird cartoon printed on a hand bound notebook? an RIP Easy E memorial tote bag? Check and check.

Finally, the wine bar "33" in Lafayette Square is a swell way to the end the evening. The clientele and vibe vary widely from night to night.
Some impressions:
- Glass bubbles hanging from ceiling in a sparsely decorated shotgun space.
- Local Lafayette resident reading a Powerpoint presentation on her laptop one late afternoon on the Neo-Conservatives role in a post-9/11 Middle East.
- a few pretentious couples getting their annual drink in the Big City before heading to the Michael Buble show at Savvis.
- The owner, Jake, humbly giving a breakdown comparison between his Semillion and Sauvignon Blanc to a lawyer and his wife.
- A wine menu that dedicates a paragraph or so of entertaining reading for each of the dozen or so current 'by the glass' offerings. So entertaining, in fact, that patrons frequently lift said menus. To what end, I can't imagine (Honey, re-read me the part about the Gruyere paired with Cabernet. That shit is hysterical.)
- Typically, the patrons are a good mix of people you like with people you can make fun of - what more can you ask for.

Scenes from Chicago Midway on a Saturday morning

2008-04-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

* A 40-something mother in a tracksuit sips her Bloody Mary as her 15-ish daughter wearing Daisy Dukes and fitted oxford shirt aimlessly kicks her sandal against her chair. If this were "Pop-up Video", a bubble above her head reading "Jailbait" would follow the daughter down the concourse. The daughter stares blankly at the flat screen tuned to WB. She suddenly perks up and coos, "Look Mom, it's a Tom & Jerry cartoon." Very cute. I check the airport bookstores for a Nabokov tome for her, but only find Ann Coulter screeds. I'm searching for a Lolita/lollipop line here, but I'm starting to creep myself out.

So, in the words of Real Sports' Bryant Gumbel. "Let's move on."

* I'm digging these new cushy SWA seats in the waiting area - fully equipped with electrical outlets that do not work. "Must not have paid their electric bill, " the gentleman next to me offers. Thanks for the diagnosis, doctor. Based on that logic, it appears that you haven't paid your dermatology bill.

* There's something fascinating to about children's faces as they watch Tom & Jerry cartoons. The older ones have a look of sly recognition. They are resigned to Tom's (or is it Jerry's?) fate. They are world weary 10-year olds who have seen the cruel machinations of the cat and mouse dynamic - Centuries of generations battling with one another, neither side ever achieving a lasting advantage. It's as if Christine Amanpour's Bosnia visage has been transplanted on pre-teen middle America.

Meanwhile, the 5 to 6-year olds sit transfixed - their mouths agape. Their eyes glazed over while they drink their purple Kool-Aid, I feel relief that Jim Jones is not in a nearby zip code. The poor darlings have no idea that this feline vs. vermin battle will have no resolution. Nay, it is only an ongoing litany of mistakenly ingested hot peppers turning faces red and unseen hammers pummelling swirling stars and chirping birdies around the heads of unsuspecting victims to be repeated over and over again.

Perhaps, someday, our children's children will not be as cruelly cast as cynics at so young of an age.

Instead a world of possibility and free thinking will take over.

A time of ideas and hope.

An age - of Teletubbies

Random Friday Thoughts - If you want to be as cool as me...

2008-03-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

- You can't choose your entrance music when entering a bar, restaurant, party or good time type situation. However, make note of the music playing when you leave. If a whiny broad, such as Dar Williams, is on, delay your departure. Wait for the Gipsy Kings or the Beta Band or the ilk. Friends, family, groupies, and the general public will see you in a better light. And you will feel better about yourself.

- Confuse people by peppering your conversations with obnoxious words such as "zeitgeist" and "oeuvre", but don't stop there. Also use made-up words like "ironical" to throw them off the scent. This way you are not pigeonholing yourself as an elitist douche bag or a retard, but the people now know that you can be comfortable in both camps. This pleases the people and marks you as someone "different".

- When wearing a sweater over a long sleeve shirt underneath, pop the cuffs. It's a classy move.

- DO: Spend exorbitantly on hair and neckties.

- DON'T: Spend exorbitantly on socks or top shelf liquor in mixed drinks

That's all for now. Until next time, remember be cool to yourself and to others.

Goodbye, Vadge

2008-03-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

So, my grandfather passed away a few weeks back. Not a big, life altering event for me (my grandfather might feel differently). However, Obama's recent awesome speech on race ((http://www.redlasso.com/ClipPlayer.aspx?id=d5d8169a-2779-4259-803b-5ee828b48835) brought back a lot of memories of the old coot.

Now, my grandfather was the coolest, sweetest old Polish man in the world and would bend over backwards for any neighbor or family member in need. But, people of his age and demographic in the Polish neighborhoods of Toledo weren't exactly flag bearers of racial equality. Most of the ill will stems from the gradual transition of Polish working class neighborhoods into black working class neighborhoods. Over a number of years my grandfather's neighbors changed from the people who he grew up with that held the same traditions and rose their 2.5 children in a nuclear family to something quite different.

His overt "racist" acts were little more than referring to blacks as "Chahudnies" ("David, do you have any Chahudnies that go to school with you at college?" "Um, yes?") This term morphed into the code word "Canadians" among his sons - charming, no? Despite these occasional peccadilloes, I know of no one that did not love the man upon meeting him.

This brings back me to Obama's speech. All of us know people that say cringe worthy commentary - some of them are the most important people in our lives. However, they don't influence how WE think about race. We're all big enough boys and girls to think for ourselves. The cycle of perpetuating this stuff to future generations just is not happening (except for you homeschooling freaks). I'm convinced that America will continue to move to better place. Our grandkids will have their own cringing moments with us (I refuse to stop saying "gay" or "retarded" to describe things - too damn bad), but inexorably things will change for the better.

So back to the old coot - at his funeral procession, the hearse pulled into an alley behind the church with a half mile of cars following behind. As it turned into the alley, a garbage truck, driven by a black man and his two black, can-emptying associates blocked the path. 15 minutes went by as they lolly gagged their way down the alley as if they were Tip O'Neill in a St.Pats parade. Finally, as they left and we pulled in front of the church, my uncle said, "You know your grandfather is just spinning in there, mad as hell at those Canadians." Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Later, as he was being laid to rest, a color guard of WWII vets shot off a salute (yup, my gramps killed Nazis - told you he was a cool guy).

Just then, by coincidence, 2 F-16's roared overhead - Proof that God still loved the old man.

If God existed, that is. But that's a topic for another time.

What I learned in Chicago this weekend

2008-02-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

1.) Puddles of slush may be MUCH deeper than they appear.

2.) You should wear socks in Chicago in February.

3.) You will wait in line in Chicago. What is cool and underground does not stay underground like in STL.

4.) Whatever crappy restaurant reviews that you receive, it will be surpassed by Italian beefs at Portillo's and anything in Chinatown.

5.) You don't see many pets running around in Chinatown - hmm, must be the weather.

6.) Gino's East sucks.

7.) Sicillian cab drivers believe that the Polish are hardworking drunks that will be ultimately unsuccessful in life because they are not dishonest.

8.) Sicillian cabbies should shut-the-fuck-up if they expect a tip from a Polish person.

9.) You should see Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind:

http://www.neofuturists.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=20&Itemid=45

10.) Mexican dudes don't like when you yell, "Si se puede!" at them.

11.) Neither do Mexican chicas.

12.) What the hell, isn't Obama from Illinois?

13.) Girls can't be trusted to get movie times correct.

14.) They should put this sign on Michigan Avenue:

"We're consumers. Yeah. Okay, okay. Buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. But if you don't buy a lot of stuff, if you don't, what are you then, I ask you? What? Mentally *ill*. Fact, if you don't buy things - toilet paper, new cars, computerized yo-yos, electrically-operated sexual devices, stereo systems with brain-implanted headphones, screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices, voice-activated computers..."

15.) I spent $286 on Michigan Avenue.

16.) Ai and Frontera are overrated (see Gino's East)

17.) A homeless guy in Cartharts by the Chicago River believes that Russian subs are off the Eastern seaboard ready to attack Atlanta, DC and NY.

18.) I believe him and so should you.

Catholic Fascists

2008-02-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Who are these three men? No, they are not the "before" mugs of a Nutri-system commercial. (In just 40 days I lost 45 lbs by fasting during Lent and eating these delicious meals!).

The dude on the right is SLU's basketball coach who had the gall to appear at a Hillary Clinton rally and espouse his pro-choice and stem cell research views. The dude in the middle is the STL's Archbishop who went apeshit decreeing, it's "not possible to be a Catholic and hold those positions" and called for the University to discipline said coach. He then retired to his quarters with Eva Braun and his German Shepherds And the guy on the left is the President of SLU, who really should be in the middle as he has to deal with this crap.

This whole episode is emblematic of a not-so-subtle change that has occurred over the last 20 years. Growing up, I attended school taught by priests very similar to the Jesuits. They instilled values of working for social justice, thinking critically and making informed decisions consistent with your conscience. Religions classes would speak to many points of view on a particular subject, but not dictate which viewpoint was the "correct" one.

It seemed to me that the Catholic Church at that time was the faith of working class people and immigrants - a force against injustice in inner cities and Communist countries alike. Somewhere along the line that has changed. A decision was made, maybe not even consciously, to align more with right wing politics. Ask yourself if you can you envision the Archbishop getting his Mitre in a bunch about a pro-death penalty supporter? No chance.

The reasons for doing this are unclear to me. Are yesterdays working class and immigrants today's strip mall going, SUV driving ex-burb dwellers? Perhaps. Is it a money grab caused by the decline of churchgoing parishoners forcing the Church to rely more on rich, conservative suburbs? Maybe.

I don't have answers, but the whole thing is very sad to me. Church leaders have resorted to threatening the very people it should be embracing: socially active Catholics trying to make a difference. I'm afraid that Catholics have sold their souls to the money changers in the moral majority.

Super Bowl XLII Diary

2008-02-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

4:59 Live from Wash Ave! I am joined by three friends, red wine, a bucket of hummus and lemon tarts from Whole Foods

5:00 The broadcast begins with a dramatic reading of the Declaration of Independence by former and current football players. Very well done - only qualm, Ronnie Lott's lines could have used subtitles.

5:19 Some American Idol chick is doing the national anthem.

Length of anthem: 1:54
Weight of singer: 197

Weight of singer > Length of anthem = First upset of the night! Check your prop bet tickets.

5:32 Player intros. Women start 30 min discussion of the origins of the name "Plaxico." This is why women should be banned from viewing any sporting event not involving skates.

5:42 Viewer 1: "You go little Eli!"
Viewer 2: "Eli and Peyton could be the first brother/sister combo to win the Super Bowl."

5:49 A "floater" to Wes Welker out in the flat. All sports terminology is either scatalogical or sexual in nature.

5:51 Mmmm. more wine...

6:08 A detergent ad pimps the url "mytalkingstain.com" They had to buy that addresss from Pat Robertson who had been using it to sell tricked up Shroud of Turin t-shirts.

6:10 I'm still laughing at my last entry

6:12 No more wine for Davey

6:32 I am thinking that we need celebrity announcers for the Super Bowl. I want to hear Sean Connery say, "Jacobs brusts a brig one up the grut. Yourve grot to grive the rrrock to the brig drog, man."

6:50 These lemon tarts are fabulous. Part cake, part cookie, part sunshine and tamborines.

7:42 The game is so boring that I am actively rooting for a catastophic injury - preferrably one involving an exposed bone.

7:44 Speaking of exposed bone, Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens is in the crowd. Awwright!

8:10 NY Giant Tight End Kevin"Boss" goes for a long gain. Their starting TE Jeremy "Shockey" is injured for tonight's game. No plays yet from their third TE, Peter "Muthafuckinlightning"

8:26 FOX Graphic:
"Pats took lead against Giants at 11:05 of the 4th qtr in Dec. game"
"Giants took lead against Pats at 11:06 of the 4th qtr tonight"
"Also, Abe Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and JFK had a secretary named Lincoln"
"Lincoln and Kennedy both have seven letters"

8:31 The Giants apparently have a trainer that has been on the job since 1948. He's rubbed a lot of balm. He's a balm rubber from way back. He rubs balm.

8:56 Troy states, "Sometimes you just get a false sense of protection." I'm guessing he's speaking from an experience involving Croatian sailors and expired lamb skin condoms.

8:58 Touchdown Plaxico! Giants Win!
Women immediately revive catfight about his name.
Two leading theories:
He was either born in Plaxi County OR his mom really liked how the word "plexiglass" sounded.

9:07 Good night! Remember to watch the Sarah Connor Chronicles tomorrow night on FOX!

STL Gay Icon

2008-01-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

With the recent departure of Jim Edmonds and the self-banishment of the weird CWE baton guy, there is a hole in the gay fabric (something in a nice chenille?) of this fine 'burg.

There isn't a whole lot to choose from here in the 'Lou. To paraphrase Rick Pitino, Cristiano Ronaldo ain't walking through that door:

Kathy Griffin ain't walkin' through that door. Yet, somehow her screeching voice can still be heard aloft in the wind.

Anyway, the selection of a STL gay icon by me would be similar to Mitt Romney choosing his favorite Public Enemy song, so I enlisted some homo help (sorry, just like the way that sounds) whose comments shall heretofore be in quotations.

Candidate #1: Albert Pujols"The only person I can think of that my mom, my sister and I would all do." Well, that's quite the endorsement. However, upon further review, Prince Albert (insert piercing joke here. ha, insert, piercing, gay. i truly crack myself up)

(for those confused, wiki "prince albert genital piercing")

As I was saying, Prince Albert and the rest of the Cardinals are a little too Crazy Christian to fit the bill. Besides, "power bottom" candidate Little David Eckstein has left for greener pastures.

Candidate #2: Steve Savard"Actually, I rather prefer Mike Bush. I saw him in person and he has a hot bod." Stevie shot down so quickly. That's ok, I'll still enjoy those uncomfortable pauses during Rams broadcasts, Steve. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Candidate #3: Police Chief Joe MokwaMy personal fave - What, with the awesome porn 'stache, spiky hair, and pair of handcuffs at the ready... but, alas Chief Joe garners little support in most precincts. Personally, I blame the STL's Mardi Gras riot police crackdown from a few years back. You should have let the body parts fly in peace. Sorry, Chief.

Candidate #4: Garry Seith

The people's choice. I believe the extra "r" in Garry was the x-factor. "The only one on the list that you can envision carrying a manbag." I guess you can't compete with that. Research reveals Garry's favorite vacation spot is Hilton Head. I did NOT make that up. So, Garry, congratulations.

Actually, further research shows that Garry left for a Dallas station a year ago. So, I guess this is a "to be continued..."

Why Doesn't This Happen?

2008-01-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

Good evening, my fellow Democrats. My name is Barack Obama and I have taken the unprecedented step of using all of my remaining campaign funding by purchasing time on all networks (except Fox News) this evening to share some thoughts with you.

As you know, I am currently in a pitched battle with my friend and colleague Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination.

My message to you is this: She can't win.

In a million, zillion years, America will not elect this woman. I know, to many of you, that this seems unfair. I understand. Mrs. Clinton and I share many of the same ideas for the betterment of America. Honestly, on paper, there probably isn't a dime's worth of difference between the two of us. When deciding between the two of us, just keep something in mind:

America thinks Hillary is a bitch and will not vote for her.

I know, I know. Many women out there right now are angry about this and are thinking to themselves "It's just because she's a woman!" I'm here to tell you that's not true. The electorate does not like her because the woman has no personality and she comes across as fake. That is the reason, there is nothing more nefarious afoot (speechwriter note: say this like Basil Rathbone).

Hell, she pretended to cry and everyone treated it as if it were a miracle on par with a Madonna statue crying in Latin America. Speaking of Latin America, what type of banana republic country do we have if we keep electing relatives of former leaders? (speechwriter: may take this out, it may confuse Banana Republic shopping women) Hillary hammers me for inexperience, but what real experience does she have other than having sex with a President? If you all want that, I can ask Ms. Lewinsky to be my VP. Yeah, yeah, cheap shot, I know. But ask yourself if Hillary would have been elected in New York in the first place without the sympathy from Blowjobgate.

Sorry, getting a little off-topic there. Let me leave you with this: On the Republican side it's going to be either Nixon-resembling-Baptist-preacher-Huckabee, grumpy-old-man-war-veteran-it-didn't-work-for-Bob-Dole-McCain or animatronic-Mormon-Romney.

Is America going to vote for one of those guys instead of me? Seriously?

However, any of those guys will probably beat Hillary.

So vote for me. Plus, I'm cool and stuff. Thank you for your time. Goodnight.

Death Mix 2008

2008-01-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

"Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say,
I think they never liked you anyway."
Dead! - My Chemical Romance

I first thought of this a couple of years ago and have been kicking it around ever since.
The idea is simple: When you die, wouldn't it be nice to give a swell Death Mix to your friends and family? Perhaps play it at a memorial service or funeral type situation.

When I brought this up to a M.D. friend of mine, he described it as a "very unhealthy idea". Soooo, without further adieu, here is the CD all of my friends and family will be forced to listen to in a locked room when I die. If I can enlist some geek help, I'll try to post links to the songs- so check back:
Track 1: Authority Song - John Cougar Mellencamp (Uh-huh, 1983)

Sample Lyrics: "I fight authority, authority always wins."

Why: 'Cause those lyrics are super sweet for one. And it makes me sounds like a rebel, you know, if JCM wasn't singing it and all. Also, everyone under the age of30 only knows JCM through the that horrible Chevy ad and everyone over 30 HATES JCM because of that horrible Chevy ad.

Hey, at one time, he decided it would be a good idea if his middle name was"Cougar"(I wish I had thought of that) and I think he was married to a supermodel at one time. On second thought, he's beginning to sound like Billy Joel, never mind.
"From the East Coast, to the West Coast, down that Dixie Highway back home,this is oooouurrrr country." That will be in your head for the rest of the day - you are welcome.

Track 2: Fancy Funeral - Lucinda Williams (West, 2007)

Sample Lyrics:
" 'Cause no amount of riches
Can bring back what you lost
To satisfy your wishes
You'll never justify the cost"

Why: It's a sweet song, with the sweetest voice in the world. And since all of my loved ones are going to think I'm cheap by not having a huge ass funeral, they might as well as hear why it's stupid to spend money on said funeral.

Track 3: I Was Meant for the Stage - The Decemberists (Her Majesty, 2003)

Sample Lyrics:
"And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage."

Why: Great tune, great lyrics. Kinda of a Sinatra's "My Way" for retards (yes, that's me). One song by my favorite lyricists is needed and as much fun as it would have been to type "The Mariner's Revenge Song" (there, I did it anyway), IWMFTS is wonderfully bittersweet tune.

Track 4: Bury Me a G - Tupac (Thug Life, 1994)

Sample Lyrics:
"I ain't got time for bitches
Gotta keep my mind on my mothafucken riches
even when I die,
they won't worry me,
mama don't cry,
bury me a G"

Why: Because I have to have a song on here that my mom will like. And I gots to have something with some bass, yo.

Track 5: Taking Us Home - The Samples (No Room, 1992)

Sample Lyrics:
"when I told the blind man
we're all here alone
he said the strong wind
was taking us home"

Why: Need a song with a little reggae and it's pretty. Plus, I like the blind man visual (more than the blind man does, I'm guessing)

Track 6: Mr. Superlove - The Afghan Whigs (What Jail Is Like (EP) 1994)

Sample Lyrics:
"You may not believe me, baby, when i tell you
that
i am
mr.
superlove"

Why: Didn't know that this was written by the Ass Ponys - a big bonus. I need a ditty on here to remind everyone who I was and what I represented. You know, Mr. Superlove, duh. It also is a dark song about abuse which will thoroughly confuse the attentive ones in attendance.

Track 7: Terry's Song - Bruce Springsteen (Magic (hidden track), 2007)

Sample Lyrics:
"Now the world is filled with many wonders under the passing sun
And sometimes something comes along and you know it's for sure the only one
The Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel, Jesus, Mary, and Joe
And when they built you, brother, they broke the mold"

Why: This entire exercise is just an ego thing, so if something compares me to the Sistine Chapel AND Jesus, why not just go with it? Plus, this one is a tear jerker, which is important before the final track...

Track 8: Airline to Heaven - Wilco (Mermaid Avenue 2, 2000)

Sample Lyrics:
"But you will surely know
When to the airport go
To leave this world behind

Oh, a lot of speakers speak
A lot of preachers preach
When you lay their salary on the line

You hold your head and pray
It's the only earthly way
You can fly to heaven on time
Fly to heaven on time"

Why: Woody Guthrie lyrics recorded by Wilco. That's all that really needs to be said. And it's an uplifter, which is important to end on for those naive souls that believe that I'm going to heaven.

Iowa Caucus Diary

2008-01-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

We are back! Live from the friendly confines of Chez Raz, we are joined by Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey, Sue-Bee Honey and BlackThorn Pizza. Special promotional consideration given to the "Girls of Charleston, IL" 2008 calendar on sale now at Stuckeys all over the bi-state area.

7:00 - CNN is the network of choice. Wolf Blitzer is in his normally agitated state. No Judy Woodruff this year, but Suzanne Malveaux is on the set. America's Decision: Upgrade!

7:10 - Entrance polls say Edwards trailing Obama/Clinton. Romney/Huckabee too close to call. Wolf's hair tres chic.

7:31 - Yay! Bill Schneider is on. I want him to put me on his knee and tell me stories from the Great War.

7:40 - Huckabee wins! That's fun to type. Huckabee wins! Just because I can say his name for four years, he just may get my vote. President Huckabee. Nope, that doesn't look good in print. America has spoken.

7:52 - Romney has spent $6.5 million in Iowa, but not one cent on yoga class. He may be animatronic. Robotic Mormon! Run for your lives!

8:00 - Live shots inside various caucuses (cauci?) show a stern white man in a red sweater vest. I'm goin out on a limb and saying this one is a Republican caucus. CNN reporter asks man if he is a Republican. The gentleman replies, "Yes, I have many guns and my study smells of rich mahogany."

8:14 - In a last ditch attempt to sway voters, Hillary promises to perform a partial birth abortion on Jamie Lynn Spears. Hillary is such a wacky panderer - Bill is so proud.

8:27 - Back inside the CNN studio, Suzanne Malvaux asks Anderson Cooper for a Mint Julep and an umbrella to shield her from the studio lights. I've officially been drinking.

8:29 - Candy Crowley says "hardfart" instead of "hardfought" I'm just the reporter here.

8:32 - Obama wins! Yay! I think America just likes to see Hillary lose. It somehow suits her.

8:46 - Pat Boone is shilling for some joint medicine for geezers. He looks terrible. See kids, clean living doesn't do a whole lot for you in the end.

8:56 - Hillary's concession speech doesn't concede anything. Her voice is SO grating. If she started a 2 pack a day habit right now, she'd have a chance in November. Plus, America would look kindly on her fully embracing her true Darth Vader personality. "So, Im smoking, F you."

9:07 - Back inside CNN studio. A Suzanne Malveaux closeup. I have to say she only has the second most pout-iest lips on the set. Damn you, Anderson Cooper!

9:16 - Huckabee's speech. Chuck Norris is standing next to him! Awesome! I smell a new Secretary of Kick Ass!

In other celebrity candidate support news:

That's right - WWE's Kane supports Ron Paul. God help us all.

9:40 - Actual exchange:

Bill Schneider: Obama wins overwhelmingly white Iowa and now moves on to overwhelmingly white New Hampshire...

Soledad O'Brien: Bill, say "overwhelmingly white" ten times real fast.

Bill: Overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingla what... Fuck you, Soledad.

9:52 - No more whiskey for Dave.

10:06 - Obama comes out for his speech. Yikes, Mrs. Obama is dressed like Grimace. A cheap ploy for the key McDonald's swing voters in New Hampshire. Great speech for Obama.

10:15 -The immortal remains of Larry King have appeared. It must be time for bed.

10:16 - Goodnight, Suzanne.

2007-07-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

Que Sera?

2007-03-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, for some reason I seem to have to have accumulated too many Saras and Sarahs in my cell address book. To the point where I don't know which ones are which.

I don't think Sara is a particularly common name, certainly not in the Jenny realm, but perhaps it has an accessibility that other names do not. Honestly, I probably wouldn't put a Candi or Miranda or the ilk in my cellphone even if it was my sister's name or co-worker's. But Sara?Sure. "Dave, this is my gardener's wife Sara." Next thing you know another cell entry. How does that happen?

You would think the spellings would help clarify somewhat, but honestly I don't know who spells it which way. The "h" in my mind doesn't scream at me so much. Now if any Sara(h)s are reading this out there, they're muttering every expletive in the book at me for not not recognizing their spelling as the universal right-thinking one, but come on - an "H" detante is needed. I would understand if you were a Stacy or Stacey and are battling the Stacies of the world. (I envision Stacys and Staceys putting aside their petty grievances to unite in one campaign of terror on Stacies).

I could distinguish on personal characteristics (Sarah Accounting, Sarah Short, Sara Pretty Smile) - but that's a slippery slope. I once put someone in as "Mena" because she looks like Mena Suvari, but to this day whenever I see her, I have no idea what her real name is, which is always awkward.

Anyway, the reason the Sara(h) thing is an issue is that of the half dozen or so in my cellphone, it's a wide gamut from family, to work, to once dating now platonic, to now platonic maybe dating later, etc. I mean, that's tricky enough to manage without the headache of worrying if your text if going to the right person. Plus, people don't generally respond back if it goes to the wrong person.

Luckily for me, people who know me either think 1) That Dave has a quirky sense of humor or 2) That Dave - I never have any idea what the hell he is talking about - both of which cover a lot of sins in this regard, but I really need to start adding last names.

Thought for Today

2006-10-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

The older I get, the more I dance like Beatle Bob.

Time, travel and people

2006-05-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am tired of having no time. Of course, I'll blame it on traveling for work and too many items on the social agenda, but the truth is that I spend to much time drinking and being lazy because of said drinking. Actually, the truth is that I have time to do the things I NEED to do, but don't have the time to do the things I'd LIKE to do: more napping, leggy book editors, (that again), wandering the earth like Kane, having meaninfgul conversations with complete strangers. How much extra money does one need to make in order to hire a personal assistant? Sure, you'll look like an out-of-touch douchebag, but it would be worth some serious jack to me to have someone do laundry, dry cleaning, clean, landscape, read all of the week's news and recap it for me in a haiku, etc - especially if they do it all while wearing a french maid getup.

Ok, that complete strangers coversations thing from above is a lie. I'd like to be that person, but honestly, I'm the person that doesn't acknowledge another human being while traveling. Between my Ipod and 20 books I bring, I can go an entire day on plane, rental car, hotel, etc. without having a real conversation. During this time I'll even ignore cell calls and text message people back instead.

I generally just don't like people in general, ok? I don't have that salesman small talk gene. I'd like to bring up interesting topics with people I don't know (especially the leggy book editor in seat 16E), but seriously how realistic is that? "Excuse me there, Twiggy, if given the choice between West Wing, Neil Young or Nick Hornby, which medium would you choose this very second?" Such spontaneous banter repeated often enough would probably be a boon to one's sex life, but you would look like a clown. I have a hard enough time making a 5 minute conversation work when running into an old flame, "Uh, how are you? Great, how's the job/kids/lesbian lover/school thing going? Great. We should get a drink sometime - no, well it was great seeing you." Wow, that sounded depressing - got to stop ending these blogs like that.

Who Do You Love?

2006-03-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to admit that I'm sorta-kinda stealing this topic from an unnamed columnist (damn you Chuck Klosterman!), but it got me thinking - which between recent lack of sleep and excessive drinking is something to behold these days.

Question: Are the people we recognize as excelling (in sports, entertainment, politics,business, etc) people that we would enjoy hanging out with and call friends?

To me the answer is no, but I'm not sure the reason has something to do with some affinity I have towards underdogs and slackers in general, or if there is something deeper.

Example: Most people recognize Tiger Woods as the world's best golfer bar none and Phil Mickelson as somewhere farther down the list. The image of Tiger is ubercompetitve, focused, unyielding, etc. while Phil is a bit of a goof, slightly overweight, fratboyishly handsome, genial, doesn't practice hard, etc.

But - and maybe this is the yardstick we should use to measure this - who would rather spend a weekend in Vegas with? Tiger would be the guy at the Blackjack table, screaming at other players making bad plays in front of him, and over-celebrating at every opportunity. Just because he's "Tiger" does this make him more cool than the top insurance salesman from Wauseon, OH who is doing the same thing at the $10 table?

Phil, on the other hand, would have a running commentary going with the entire table, would be overtipping the dealer at every opportunity, would be busting your balls without being an ass.

The end of the night with Phil would invariably involve a limo ride out to Lake Mead with a leggy book editor from Harper Collins, a promising dirty blonde singer/songwriter from a Southwestern state and maybe a waitress getting her masters in art history (because, um, as you know, these are the types of people that hang out in Vegas - work with me people, it's my fantasy). Tiger's posse would still be in his suite trying not to look like they're purposely losing to him in Madden 2005.

Now, of course, it's possible to be respected for your craft and be very likable - unless Bono is keeping wifebeating under wraps, there is nobody that can rival him in either category - uh, in a strictly non-homoerotic way of course. The Arts are a different category here though. In general, in order to reach the top of your profession, you have to master qualities that are dickhead-ish (Word O' the Day) in nature. AND, it is difficult to compartmentalize these qualities from your everyday life. AND if you do mange to do this, are you not being true to yourself?

Wow, I've just managed to depress myself again - better luck next time.

Election Eve Diary '04

2006-03-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

6:33 - We are here live in Kirkwood, MO! I am joined by family, friends, as well as cheeseball, summer sausage and bread pudding.

CNN is the coverage of choice. Judy Woodruff looks positively fetching in an all red ensemble - last week's RFT was correct, she is truly a GILF. Jeff Greenfield and Bob Schneider: America unanimously votes for stomach crunches.

6:40 - Uh-oh, Bush takes WV and IN. Kerry is on his way to Stuckey's to return his John Deere hat.

6:51 - That wonderful bald eagle commercial is on. Thank you coal companies for cleaning our air and water! It is followed by a Cialis commercial. If the eagle is dying of black lung, maybe a hard-on will take its mind off of imminent death.

Paula Zahn is wearing one those headphone/microphone deals along with Carville, Tucker, Novak and Begala. They look like a boy band. Tucker is so dreamy - he is singing "Bob, wants it that way."

7:27 - Uh-oh, first sign of trouble in FLA. Bush is dominating the central corridor moreso than in '00. Of course, he cheated in '00, so maybe it's a push.

7:43 - Judy's hair is changing throughout the evening. She started off very Marlo Thomas "That Girl"- ish. Now the bangs are starting to part - hellloooo forehead. Somewhere Farrah approves.

Bread pudding coma is beginning to kick in. Must fight sleep...if I give in, the terrorists have already won.Meanwhile, Paula is an absolute vision in gold. Ms. Zahn you have graduated cum laude from the Electoral College of Style. More whiskey please.

7:55 - Random comment from the senile crowd: "Hey, NJ went to Kerry!" Yeah, like an hour ago. I make mental note to include this person in next fantasy baseball draft.

8:11 - Somebody just melted the cryogenically frozen body of Bob Woodward. With Larry King interviewing him, they look like one of those animatronic displays at Disneyworld.Larry asks Bob, "So, in "Plan of Attack" you laid out how the Bush administration decided to go to war with Iraq for no apparent reason. Do you think all Bush voters are illiterate?" Sorry, must have drifted off there for a second.

8:35 - Apparently, a vertically-challenged lesbian has been put in charge of Seante races on CNN. Anderson Cooper is walking her around the set. Awww, it's so cute! I wonder if Anderson gets to keep her after tonight - I'm sure he would provide a good home.MS and LA just went to Bush. A strong position on the dentistry issue seems to have hurt Kerry.

8:44 - Same person in crowd asks, "Who's winning NJ?" Time to leave.

9:14 - After a short break we are looking LIVE @ MSNBC from the plush comfort of Chez Raz in south St. Louis City, where the polls don't close until a screaming, red-faced Sen. Kit Bond says so. Special guests include Tullamore Dew whiskey, pixie sticks, Pepperidge Farm Milanos and Skoal Long Cut Wintergreen.

9:17 - Miami takes the lead! Redhawk power!

9:40 - Upset of the Night: No soft-core on Cinemax. This is clearly a repudiation of Kerry's liberal social agenda - not a good omen. Yes, I may be drunk at this point.

9:55 - Miami wins!

9:59 - Bob Novak is making sense. It's official - I'm drunk.

10:10 - Larry King is aimlessly wandering around the set. Judy must have hidden his Metamucil again. The studio audience outside is hushed as Wolf guides him back to his chair.

10:29 - Anderson Cooper is now reviewing "referendums on the ballot for states in the Union." I guess he's leaving out the Confederacy for this particular report. Anderson has moved on to discuss gay marriage iniatives, but his diminuative lesbian friend is nowhere to be found. Wolf Blitzer confides to Larry that this bears watching throughout the evening.

10:58 - Carville is giving up - uh-oh. Ohio may be lost and, Scarlett, I fear the Union may be as well.

11:15 - "Emanuelle in Rio" is on Cinemax. There is hope for Kerry after all.

11:37 - Folksy wisdom from Dan Rather:"This election is now crackling like hickory thrown on a fire.""Let's catch you up if you have been putting the baby to bed or popping the cap on an adult beverage."

11:55 - Chris Matthews has burst in the CNN studio and has clobbered Larry King with a steel chair. NOOO! NOOOO!

12:25 - Ok, it's clear it's all up to Ohio. Why is it so difficult to look at what are precincts are left and tell me if Bush will win, so I can go to bed and move to Canada in the morning?

12:49 - Ron Silver and Ron Reagan, Jr. are commentators on MSNBC.Really, I am not making this up.

1:13 - No final decision because of Ohio. My home state will now be a national punchline for two weeks. Swell. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you

.1:15 - Goodnight Judy.

Culture Whore 2: Electric Bugaloo

2006-03-14T06:16:00.000-08:00

Cause even the Asian girls like the Bangkok.
- Dr. Dre

So, while running the park this little nugget popped through my Ipod. And for some reason I could not stop giggling the rest of the run. When the homeless start looking at you like you're crazy, it may be time to reevaluate your sense of humor. That, plus it's really hard to run fast when you are laughing.

In fact, I think every cultural group should have a Dre quote: Cause even Polish girls like the Krakow. Feel free to contribute on the ehnic group of your choosing and discuss amongst yourself...