Election Eve Diary '04

6:33 - We are here live in Kirkwood, MO! I am joined by family, friends, as well as cheeseball, summer sausage and bread pudding.

CNN is the coverage of choice. Judy Woodruff looks positively fetching in an all red ensemble - last week's RFT was correct, she is truly a GILF. Jeff Greenfield and Bob Schneider: America unanimously votes for stomach crunches.

6:40 - Uh-oh, Bush takes WV and IN. Kerry is on his way to Stuckey's to return his John Deere hat.

6:51 - That wonderful bald eagle commercial is on. Thank you coal companies for cleaning our air and water! It is followed by a Cialis commercial. If the eagle is dying of black lung, maybe a hard-on will take its mind off of imminent death.

Paula Zahn is wearing one those headphone/microphone deals along with Carville, Tucker, Novak and Begala. They look like a boy band. Tucker is so dreamy - he is singing "Bob, wants it that way."

7:27 - Uh-oh, first sign of trouble in FLA. Bush is dominating the central corridor moreso than in '00. Of course, he cheated in '00, so maybe it's a push.

7:43 - Judy's hair is changing throughout the evening. She started off very Marlo Thomas "That Girl"- ish. Now the bangs are starting to part - hellloooo forehead. Somewhere Farrah approves.

Bread pudding coma is beginning to kick in. Must fight sleep...if I give in, the terrorists have already won.Meanwhile, Paula is an absolute vision in gold. Ms. Zahn you have graduated cum laude from the Electoral College of Style. More whiskey please.

7:55 - Random comment from the senile crowd: "Hey, NJ went to Kerry!" Yeah, like an hour ago. I make mental note to include this person in next fantasy baseball draft.

8:11 - Somebody just melted the cryogenically frozen body of Bob Woodward. With Larry King interviewing him, they look like one of those animatronic displays at Disneyworld.Larry asks Bob, "So, in "Plan of Attack" you laid out how the Bush administration decided to go to war with Iraq for no apparent reason. Do you think all Bush voters are illiterate?" Sorry, must have drifted off there for a second.

8:35 - Apparently, a vertically-challenged lesbian has been put in charge of Seante races on CNN. Anderson Cooper is walking her around the set. Awww, it's so cute! I wonder if Anderson gets to keep her after tonight - I'm sure he would provide a good home.MS and LA just went to Bush. A strong position on the dentistry issue seems to have hurt Kerry.

8:44 - Same person in crowd asks, "Who's winning NJ?" Time to leave.

9:14 - After a short break we are looking LIVE @ MSNBC from the plush comfort of Chez Raz in south St. Louis City, where the polls don't close until a screaming, red-faced Sen. Kit Bond says so. Special guests include Tullamore Dew whiskey, pixie sticks, Pepperidge Farm Milanos and Skoal Long Cut Wintergreen.

9:17 - Miami takes the lead! Redhawk power!

9:40 - Upset of the Night: No soft-core on Cinemax. This is clearly a repudiation of Kerry's liberal social agenda - not a good omen. Yes, I may be drunk at this point.

9:55 - Miami wins!

9:59 - Bob Novak is making sense. It's official - I'm drunk.

10:10 - Larry King is aimlessly wandering around the set. Judy must have hidden his Metamucil again. The studio audience outside is hushed as Wolf guides him back to his chair.

10:29 - Anderson Cooper is now reviewing "referendums on the ballot for states in the Union." I guess he's leaving out the Confederacy for this particular report. Anderson has moved on to discuss gay marriage iniatives, but his diminuative lesbian friend is nowhere to be found. Wolf Blitzer confides to Larry that this bears watching throughout the evening.

10:58 - Carville is giving up - uh-oh. Ohio may be lost and, Scarlett, I fear the Union may be as well.

11:15 - "Emanuelle in Rio" is on Cinemax. There is hope for Kerry after all.

11:37 - Folksy wisdom from Dan Rather:"This election is now crackling like hickory thrown on a fire.""Let's catch you up if you have been putting the baby to bed or popping the cap on an adult beverage."

11:55 - Chris Matthews has burst in the CNN studio and has clobbered Larry King with a steel chair. NOOO! NOOOO!

12:25 - Ok, it's clear it's all up to Ohio. Why is it so difficult to look at what are precincts are left and tell me if Bush will win, so I can go to bed and move to Canada in the morning?

12:49 - Ron Silver and Ron Reagan, Jr. are commentators on MSNBC.Really, I am not making this up.

1:13 - No final decision because of Ohio. My home state will now be a national punchline for two weeks. Swell. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you

.1:15 - Goodnight Judy.