Iowa Caucus Diary

We are back! Live from the friendly confines of Chez Raz, we are joined by Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey, Sue-Bee Honey and BlackThorn Pizza. Special promotional consideration given to the "Girls of Charleston, IL" 2008 calendar on sale now at Stuckeys all over the bi-state area.

7:00 - CNN is the network of choice. Wolf Blitzer is in his normally agitated state. No Judy Woodruff this year, but Suzanne Malveaux is on the set. America's Decision: Upgrade!

7:10 - Entrance polls say Edwards trailing Obama/Clinton. Romney/Huckabee too close to call. Wolf's hair tres chic.

7:31 - Yay! Bill Schneider is on. I want him to put me on his knee and tell me stories from the Great War.

7:40 - Huckabee wins! That's fun to type. Huckabee wins! Just because I can say his name for four years, he just may get my vote. President Huckabee. Nope, that doesn't look good in print. America has spoken.

7:52 - Romney has spent $6.5 million in Iowa, but not one cent on yoga class. He may be animatronic. Robotic Mormon! Run for your lives!

8:00 - Live shots inside various caucuses (cauci?) show a stern white man in a red sweater vest. I'm goin out on a limb and saying this one is a Republican caucus. CNN reporter asks man if he is a Republican. The gentleman replies, "Yes, I have many guns and my study smells of rich mahogany."

8:14 - In a last ditch attempt to sway voters, Hillary promises to perform a partial birth abortion on Jamie Lynn Spears. Hillary is such a wacky panderer - Bill is so proud.


8:27 - Back inside the CNN studio, Suzanne Malvaux asks Anderson Cooper for a Mint Julep and an umbrella to shield her from the studio lights. I've officially been drinking.

8:29 - Candy Crowley says "hardfart" instead of "hardfought" I'm just the reporter here.

8:32 - Obama wins! Yay! I think America just likes to see Hillary lose. It somehow suits her.

8:46 - Pat Boone is shilling for some joint medicine for geezers. He looks terrible. See kids, clean living doesn't do a whole lot for you in the end.

8:56 - Hillary's concession speech doesn't concede anything. Her voice is SO grating. If she started a 2 pack a day habit right now, she'd have a chance in November. Plus, America would look kindly on her fully embracing her true Darth Vader personality. "So, Im smoking, F you."

9:07 - Back inside CNN studio. A Suzanne Malveaux closeup. I have to say she only has the second most pout-iest lips on the set. Damn you, Anderson Cooper!



9:16 - Huckabee's speech. Chuck Norris is standing next to him! Awesome! I smell a new Secretary of Kick Ass!

In other celebrity candidate support news:

That's right - WWE's Kane supports Ron Paul. God help us all.

9:40 - Actual exchange:

Bill Schneider: Obama wins overwhelmingly white Iowa and now moves on to overwhelmingly white New Hampshire...

Soledad O'Brien: Bill, say "overwhelmingly white" ten times real fast.

Bill: Overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingla what... Fuck you, Soledad.

9:52 - No more whiskey for Dave.

10:06 - Obama comes out for his speech. Yikes, Mrs. Obama is dressed like Grimace. A cheap ploy for the key McDonald's swing voters in New Hampshire. Great speech for Obama.

10:15 -The immortal remains of Larry King have appeared. It must be time for bed.

10:16 - Goodnight, Suzanne.