Why Doesn't This Happen?

Good evening, my fellow Democrats. My name is Barack Obama and I have taken the unprecedented step of using all of my remaining campaign funding by purchasing time on all networks (except Fox News) this evening to share some thoughts with you.

As you know, I am currently in a pitched battle with my friend and colleague Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination.

My message to you is this: She can't win.

In a million, zillion years, America will not elect this woman. I know, to many of you, that this seems unfair. I understand. Mrs. Clinton and I share many of the same ideas for the betterment of America. Honestly, on paper, there probably isn't a dime's worth of difference between the two of us. When deciding between the two of us, just keep something in mind:

America thinks Hillary is a bitch and will not vote for her.

I know, I know. Many women out there right now are angry about this and are thinking to themselves "It's just because she's a woman!" I'm here to tell you that's not true. The electorate does not like her because the woman has no personality and she comes across as fake. That is the reason, there is nothing more nefarious afoot (speechwriter note: say this like Basil Rathbone).

Hell, she pretended to cry and everyone treated it as if it were a miracle on par with a Madonna statue crying in Latin America. Speaking of Latin America, what type of banana republic country do we have if we keep electing relatives of former leaders? (speechwriter: may take this out, it may confuse Banana Republic shopping women) Hillary hammers me for inexperience, but what real experience does she have other than having sex with a President? If you all want that, I can ask Ms. Lewinsky to be my VP. Yeah, yeah, cheap shot, I know. But ask yourself if Hillary would have been elected in New York in the first place without the sympathy from Blowjobgate.

Sorry, getting a little off-topic there. Let me leave you with this: On the Republican side it's going to be either Nixon-resembling-Baptist-preacher-Huckabee, grumpy-old-man-war-veteran-it-didn't-work-for-Bob-Dole-McCain or animatronic-Mormon-Romney.

Is America going to vote for one of those guys instead of me? Seriously?

However, any of those guys will probably beat Hillary.

So vote for me. Plus, I'm cool and stuff. Thank you for your time. Goodnight.