Umbrella Man

Metrolink, Friday 4:53 pm:

SO, in a pouring rain. A 40-ish crazy-eyed man boards the train (shit, I am NOT going to rhyme this entire entry).

His huge golf-sized umbrella (hey,hey,hey - under my umbrella - hey,hey,hey) is still open and he attempts to close it OR he might have been showing it off to the rest of us, "Look at me! I'm somewhat dry in large part due to my massive canvas elliptical shield."

As the umbrella finally reaches a partially closed position, the train lurches forward and the man, off balance, goes flying backwards. As it happens, an Asian doctor from Stanford was next to me. Now, usually Asian doctors from Stanford and I do NOT get along. Beware, their Kung fu is strong, VERY strong. I smite you, Asian Stanford Doctors (henceforth, ASDs).

HOWEVER, this particular fine day, myself and the ASD joined forces to save wayward umbrella man. SO, when last we left this story, umbrella man was flying horizontal through the train. (Don't you miss Brock-abrellas? I do.)

As I was SAYING, as umbrella man is floating in slow motion through the train, ASD and I form a forearm web by joining wrists (I TOLD you the ASDs Kung Fu is strong) saving dork-abrella from certain death.
So, what was his reaction? Did he express gratitude for our fast reflexes? Was he humbled by his close encounter with a metal train pole?

Um, not so much.

His (kinda) verbatim response: "We try to make every other country like ours and THIS happens? What if I had a baby in my arms? It would have landed way back there! I wish I HAD gotten hurt. I wish I DID have a baby in my arms. No, I don't wish that. I don't wish any harm on any baby. " He then repeated various forms of this screed louder and louder until he got off in two train stops.

I was speechless - I would have settled for a simple thank you. OR perhaps an offer to allow me to shove his fucking oversized golf umbrella (hey,hey,hey) up his ass, open it up and twirl him like a party favor.

His invective about making every other country like ours was especially confusing. Train drivers in Bangalore are obviously a much more sensitive lot - they start their trains very gradually so that their slightly inebriated passengers keep their balance. That is, until IBM and HP and United Airlines starting outsourcing their operations out there. THEN, the train drivers over there went all Crazy Train (aye,aye,aye) stopping and starting so quickly that their umbrella laden passengers started going all Mary Poppins through the jungle, just missing holy cows and pissing off the Hindus.

Goddamn you George W! Now you are pissing off Muslims AND Hindus. We don't want any part of a Hindi jihad - mark my words.