Arsenal vs. Chelsea Game Diary

0’ - Good morning! We are live with Barry’s Irish tea, Brown Dog and fuzzy slippers! Arsenal has won only two of the last 15 meetings with Chelsea and are missing Robin van Persie and two defenders. Arsene, what’s German for “uh, oh”? I’m going with “ruh-row, Raggy.” Jon Champion is our commentator.

2’ – Ancelotti is wearing a black watch stocking cap. He looks like a mad Greek sea captain that turns traitor on James Bond – “Moneypenny tried to warn me about you, Capt. Zyrosgatos…”

8’ – Poor Ashey Cole is booed every time he touches the ball. Fortunately for him this only represents about 4.2 seconds of the elapsed 8 minutes to this point.

11’ – First case of Cesc-ual misconduct as Fabergas flops in front of Mikel.

14’ – Gunners controlling play here in the early going. New left back Traore looking dangerous on the wing.

19 – Ooh, looked like Sagna pulled down Anelka in the box. No call. Referee Andre Marriner isn’t Irish, is he?

20’ – At this point, Ashley Cole is giving it away more than Britney Spears did during the “Dream within a dream” tour.

27’ – Brown Dog is giving kisses during every close-up of John Terry. I am unsure of the significance.

29’ – Interesting news from the sideline – a small camera was evidently thrown at Fat Frank Lampard from the crowd. Polite Arsenal fans didn’t want to offend by tossing Nutri-system meals or gastrointestinal bypass literature at him.

38’ – I actually believe that Ashley is purposely getting rid of the ball as soon as he can to avoid the boos. He’d rather stay out of the play than get booed – what a douche.

42’ – GOAL! Nice finish from Drogba on the feed from Ashley. For fantasy team purposes, this pleases me greatly. I apologize, Ashley.

43’ – The Greek sea captain gives a fist pump on the sideline. “Zess! Meester Bond, I told you that my associate from Ivory Coast vuld come through.”

45’ – GOAL! Ashley’s cross sets up an own goal by Vermaelan. For fantasy team purposes, this displeases me greatly.

Half – Weird half. Arsenal controlled play, but never looked dangerous. It looks like they miss van Persie. Arsene just said “No shit, Sherlock” in German.

46’ – Theo on for Song. Do you think Arsene did his best Cliff Huxtable impression at halftime? “Theooo, my son, do your best. My lovely wife Cammmilllee and I want to see you succeed. You see.” Probably not.

(Note to readers under 30: the above refers to The Cosby Show. This was inexplicably the most popular television program of the 80’s despite the ubiquitous presence of hideous sweaters and Lisa Bonet.)

48’ – Arsenal finally looking dangerous. Goal taken away after Cech gets bailed out with a foul. When Arshavin’s face gets all screwed up with disappointment he looks like a giant infant. I shall now call him “Man-Baby.”

57’ – Arsene swaps the Mexican Vela in for the Brazilian Eduardo. On a related note, I swap caipirihas for Dos Equis. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis.

65’ – JT complains to Marriner after big man hug from Verms. Still unsure why this elicits kisses from Brown Dog.

71’ – Ashley pulled for Ferriera. The Emirates crowd give him a warm reception in recognition of his Arsenal days. No, not really.

78’ – Ancelotti has lost the sea captain hat and is back to resembling a museum security guard.

86’ – GOAL! Drogba again. Didier+Rooney=fantasy gold this week.

94’ – Full time. The museum security guard almost cracks a smile.

Made up Sports Quote of the week from Fuzzy Zoeller on Tiger/Elin controversy: “Well, she’s Swedish so she can probably just buy him a new car window at Ikea, or wherever those people shop.”

Fantasy Picks to Click This Week: With Stewart Downing as the new Gareth Barry, I like Ashley Young to kick it in like the old days (last year). Burnley is horrible on the road, so how about a look at Pompey's Dindane? (Yes, I know its Pompey) I like how Traore handled the left wing vs. Chelsea and since the Gunners are home to Stoke this week and he is cheap...