So Taguchi's House of Super Fun Time

Saturday, January 26, 2008

STL Gay Icon

With the recent departure of Jim Edmonds and the self-banishment of the weird CWE baton guy, there is a hole in the gay fabric (something in a nice chenille?) of this fine 'burg.
There isn't a whole lot to choose from here in the 'Lou. To paraphrase Rick Pitino, Cristiano Ronaldo ain't walking through that door:

Kathy Griffin ain't walkin' through that door. Yet, somehow her screeching voice can still be heard aloft in the wind.

Anyway, the selection of a STL gay icon by me would be similar to Mitt Romney choosing his favorite Public Enemy song, so I enlisted some homo help (sorry, just like the way that sounds) whose comments shall heretofore be in quotations.

Candidate #1: Albert Pujols"The only person I can think of that my mom, my sister and I would all do." Well, that's quite the endorsement. However, upon further review, Prince Albert (insert piercing joke here. ha, insert, piercing, gay. i truly crack myself up)

(for those confused, wiki "prince albert genital piercing")

As I was saying, Prince Albert and the rest of the Cardinals are a little too Crazy Christian to fit the bill. Besides, "power bottom" candidate Little David Eckstein has left for greener pastures.

Candidate #2: Steve Savard"Actually, I rather prefer Mike Bush. I saw him in person and he has a hot bod." Stevie shot down so quickly. That's ok, I'll still enjoy those uncomfortable pauses during Rams broadcasts, Steve. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Candidate #3: Police Chief Joe MokwaMy personal fave - What, with the awesome porn 'stache, spiky hair, and pair of handcuffs at the ready... but, alas Chief Joe garners little support in most precincts. Personally, I blame the STL's Mardi Gras riot police crackdown from a few years back. You should have let the body parts fly in peace. Sorry, Chief.

Candidate #4: Garry Seith

The people's choice. I believe the extra "r" in Garry was the x-factor. "The only one on the list that you can envision carrying a manbag." I guess you can't compete with that. Research reveals Garry's favorite vacation spot is Hilton Head. I did NOT make that up. So, Garry, congratulations.

Actually, further research shows that Garry left for a Dallas station a year ago. So, I guess this is a "to be continued..."

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Why Doesn't This Happen?

Good evening, my fellow Democrats. My name is Barack Obama and I have taken the unprecedented step of using all of my remaining campaign funding by purchasing time on all networks (except Fox News) this evening to share some thoughts with you.

As you know, I am currently in a pitched battle with my friend and colleague Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination.

My message to you is this: She can't win.

In a million, zillion years, America will not elect this woman. I know, to many of you, that this seems unfair. I understand. Mrs. Clinton and I share many of the same ideas for the betterment of America. Honestly, on paper, there probably isn't a dime's worth of difference between the two of us. When deciding between the two of us, just keep something in mind:

America thinks Hillary is a bitch and will not vote for her.

I know, I know. Many women out there right now are angry about this and are thinking to themselves "It's just because she's a woman!" I'm here to tell you that's not true. The electorate does not like her because the woman has no personality and she comes across as fake. That is the reason, there is nothing more nefarious afoot (speechwriter note: say this like Basil Rathbone).

Hell, she pretended to cry and everyone treated it as if it were a miracle on par with a Madonna statue crying in Latin America. Speaking of Latin America, what type of banana republic country do we have if we keep electing relatives of former leaders? (speechwriter: may take this out, it may confuse Banana Republic shopping women) Hillary hammers me for inexperience, but what real experience does she have other than having sex with a President? If you all want that, I can ask Ms. Lewinsky to be my VP. Yeah, yeah, cheap shot, I know. But ask yourself if Hillary would have been elected in New York in the first place without the sympathy from Blowjobgate.

Sorry, getting a little off-topic there. Let me leave you with this: On the Republican side it's going to be either Nixon-resembling-Baptist-preacher-Huckabee, grumpy-old-man-war-veteran-it-didn't-work-for-Bob-Dole-McCain or animatronic-Mormon-Romney.

Is America going to vote for one of those guys instead of me? Seriously?

However, any of those guys will probably beat Hillary.

So vote for me. Plus, I'm cool and stuff. Thank you for your time. Goodnight.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Death Mix 2008

"Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say,
I think they never liked you anyway."
Dead! - My Chemical Romance

I first thought of this a couple of years ago and have been kicking it around ever since.
The idea is simple: When you die, wouldn't it be nice to give a swell Death Mix to your friends and family? Perhaps play it at a memorial service or funeral type situation.

When I brought this up to a M.D. friend of mine, he described it as a "very unhealthy idea". Soooo, without further adieu, here is the CD all of my friends and family will be forced to listen to in a locked room when I die. If I can enlist some geek help, I'll try to post links to the songs- so check back:
Track 1: Authority Song - John Cougar Mellencamp (Uh-huh, 1983)

Sample Lyrics: "I fight authority, authority always wins."

Why: 'Cause those lyrics are super sweet for one. And it makes me sounds like a rebel, you know, if JCM wasn't singing it and all. Also, everyone under the age of30 only knows JCM through the that horrible Chevy ad and everyone over 30 HATES JCM because of that horrible Chevy ad.

Hey, at one time, he decided it would be a good idea if his middle name was"Cougar"(I wish I had thought of that) and I think he was married to a supermodel at one time. On second thought, he's beginning to sound like Billy Joel, never mind.
"From the East Coast, to the West Coast, down that Dixie Highway back home,this is oooouurrrr country." That will be in your head for the rest of the day - you are welcome.

Track 2: Fancy Funeral - Lucinda Williams (West, 2007)

Sample Lyrics:
" 'Cause no amount of riches
Can bring back what you lost
To satisfy your wishes
You'll never justify the cost"

Why: It's a sweet song, with the sweetest voice in the world. And since all of my loved ones are going to think I'm cheap by not having a huge ass funeral, they might as well as hear why it's stupid to spend money on said funeral.

Track 3: I Was Meant for the Stage - The Decemberists (Her Majesty, 2003)

Sample Lyrics:
"And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage."

Why: Great tune, great lyrics. Kinda of a Sinatra's "My Way" for retards (yes, that's me). One song by my favorite lyricists is needed and as much fun as it would have been to type "The Mariner's Revenge Song" (there, I did it anyway), IWMFTS is wonderfully bittersweet tune.

Track 4: Bury Me a G - Tupac (Thug Life, 1994)

Sample Lyrics:
"I ain't got time for bitches
Gotta keep my mind on my mothafucken riches
even when I die,
they won't worry me,
mama don't cry,
bury me a G"

Why: Because I have to have a song on here that my mom will like. And I gots to have something with some bass, yo.

Track 5: Taking Us Home - The Samples (No Room, 1992)

Sample Lyrics:
"when I told the blind man
we're all here alone
he said the strong wind
was taking us home"

Why: Need a song with a little reggae and it's pretty. Plus, I like the blind man visual (more than the blind man does, I'm guessing)

Track 6: Mr. Superlove - The Afghan Whigs (What Jail Is Like (EP) 1994)

Sample Lyrics:
"You may not believe me, baby, when i tell you
i am

Why: Didn't know that this was written by the Ass Ponys - a big bonus. I need a ditty on here to remind everyone who I was and what I represented. You know, Mr. Superlove, duh. It also is a dark song about abuse which will thoroughly confuse the attentive ones in attendance.

Track 7: Terry's Song - Bruce Springsteen (Magic (hidden track), 2007)

Sample Lyrics:
"Now the world is filled with many wonders under the passing sun
And sometimes something comes along and you know it's for sure the only one
The Mona Lisa, the David, the Sistine Chapel, Jesus, Mary, and Joe
And when they built you, brother, they broke the mold"

Why: This entire exercise is just an ego thing, so if something compares me to the Sistine Chapel AND Jesus, why not just go with it? Plus, this one is a tear jerker, which is important before the final track...

Track 8: Airline to Heaven - Wilco (Mermaid Avenue 2, 2000)

Sample Lyrics:
"But you will surely know
When to the airport go
To leave this world behind

Oh, a lot of speakers speak
A lot of preachers preach
When you lay their salary on the line

You hold your head and pray
It's the only earthly way
You can fly to heaven on time
Fly to heaven on time"

Why: Woody Guthrie lyrics recorded by Wilco. That's all that really needs to be said. And it's an uplifter, which is important to end on for those naive souls that believe that I'm going to heaven.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Iowa Caucus Diary

We are back! Live from the friendly confines of Chez Raz, we are joined by Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey, Sue-Bee Honey and BlackThorn Pizza. Special promotional consideration given to the "Girls of Charleston, IL" 2008 calendar on sale now at Stuckeys all over the bi-state area.

7:00 - CNN is the network of choice. Wolf Blitzer is in his normally agitated state. No Judy Woodruff this year, but Suzanne Malveaux is on the set. America's Decision: Upgrade!

7:10 - Entrance polls say Edwards trailing Obama/Clinton. Romney/Huckabee too close to call. Wolf's hair tres chic.

7:31 - Yay! Bill Schneider is on. I want him to put me on his knee and tell me stories from the Great War.

7:40 - Huckabee wins! That's fun to type. Huckabee wins! Just because I can say his name for four years, he just may get my vote. President Huckabee. Nope, that doesn't look good in print. America has spoken.

7:52 - Romney has spent $6.5 million in Iowa, but not one cent on yoga class. He may be animatronic. Robotic Mormon! Run for your lives!

8:00 - Live shots inside various caucuses (cauci?) show a stern white man in a red sweater vest. I'm goin out on a limb and saying this one is a Republican caucus. CNN reporter asks man if he is a Republican. The gentleman replies, "Yes, I have many guns and my study smells of rich mahogany."

8:14 - In a last ditch attempt to sway voters, Hillary promises to perform a partial birth abortion on Jamie Lynn Spears. Hillary is such a wacky panderer - Bill is so proud.

8:27 - Back inside the CNN studio, Suzanne Malvaux asks Anderson Cooper for a Mint Julep and an umbrella to shield her from the studio lights. I've officially been drinking.

8:29 - Candy Crowley says "hardfart" instead of "hardfought" I'm just the reporter here.

8:32 - Obama wins! Yay! I think America just likes to see Hillary lose. It somehow suits her.

8:46 - Pat Boone is shilling for some joint medicine for geezers. He looks terrible. See kids, clean living doesn't do a whole lot for you in the end.

8:56 - Hillary's concession speech doesn't concede anything. Her voice is SO grating. If she started a 2 pack a day habit right now, she'd have a chance in November. Plus, America would look kindly on her fully embracing her true Darth Vader personality. "So, Im smoking, F you."

9:07 - Back inside CNN studio. A Suzanne Malveaux closeup. I have to say she only has the second most pout-iest lips on the set. Damn you, Anderson Cooper!

9:16 - Huckabee's speech. Chuck Norris is standing next to him! Awesome! I smell a new Secretary of Kick Ass!

In other celebrity candidate support news:

That's right - WWE's Kane supports Ron Paul. God help us all.

9:40 - Actual exchange:

Bill Schneider: Obama wins overwhelmingly white Iowa and now moves on to overwhelmingly white New Hampshire...

Soledad O'Brien: Bill, say "overwhelmingly white" ten times real fast.

Bill: Overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingla what... Fuck you, Soledad.

9:52 - No more whiskey for Dave.

10:06 - Obama comes out for his speech. Yikes, Mrs. Obama is dressed like Grimace. A cheap ploy for the key McDonald's swing voters in New Hampshire. Great speech for Obama.

10:15 -The immortal remains of Larry King have appeared. It must be time for bed.

10:16 - Goodnight, Suzanne.