So Taguchi's House of Super Fun Time

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

When the dog bites, when the bee stings...

These are a few of my favorite words -

Underpants (to a lesser extent "panties" as well - yes, I am 11)

Autumnal (I just used this in a work setting to blinking, blank, uncomprehending stares)
Uncomprehending Stares

Cocksucker (1 swear word + 3 "k" sounds = winner, winner chicken dinner)

Winner, winner, chicken dinner (I can be folksy, bitches)


Boutros Boutros Ghali (I miss him)

Abbastanza Bene (try yelling it in a bad Italian accent while drawing out the two "n" sounds. See, that was fun! Almost as fun as ...)

A barrel of monkeys ("monkey" is also a great word solo or when paired with "underpants" in any context)

Brougham (pronounced BRO-ham) Noun
1. original meaning of "a light horse-drawn carriage with driver outside in front"
2. taken by Cadillac as a model name
3. now used as a less formal form of "Brother" as in "Hey Bro-ham, lend me the keys to your Cadillac Brougham."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Soccer and Wrasslin

Greatest soccer coach in the world, Jose Mourinho, with WWE's Vince and Shane McMahon

You would think that the lowbrow exercise that is professional wrestling has nothing in common with the highbrow enterprise that is professional soccer. The obvious link is that middle-class Americans tend to lift their noses and sneer at both. But as we have seen in the last two election cycles, America can be wrong.
I shall attempt to help you appreciate these worthy pursuits and their commonality in the tapestry of all that is good and holy.

The main thing they have in common for me is that they share TV time in my Monday night laundry fest - Fox Football Fone-In at 7, WWE Raw at 8. They mainly share underrated brilliance - wrestling has scripted athletic intensity - soccer has unscripted athletic radiance. Since you, the humble, unknowing neophyte may need guidance to see the light, let me elucidate matters for you.

First, the passion of both cannot be denied. Your typical Amazing Race, Dancing With The Stars, CSI: Tucson, MLB, NHL viewer will never see the joy of a perfectly executed bicycle kick goal or leg drop from the top of a 20' high steel cage. They have never felt the pain of their team being relegated to a lower division or had to look at the puss of the Great Khali in HD. This passion carries over to the personalities involved.

Take the cases of David Beckham, footballer and John Cena, wrestler.

The girls and casual observers that follow wrestling ans soccer loove these guys.
And why not? They appear in commercials with Fat Jared from Subway, Calvin Klein, Hans Wieman, Johhny Wad's Erection Rocket Pump, etc. They are handsome and handle their respectful field duties reasonably well. On the other hand, the hardcore fans HAATE these guys. To them, these two represent the Johnny Come-lately's who don't go about their business "the right way" and have not "paid their dues" and "disrespect the game." These are the Trekkie/LOTR/Comic book guy geeks combined with your grandpa that still complains he can't listen to Dinah Shore or pay $0.05 for a Nehi anymore. When the dorks and the bimbos go to war, it certainly is fun to watch.

The comedic value of the two entities is probably the best part. I give you the fake Italian guy (um, he's a wrestler, not a soccer player. Italian soccer player fakers are another blog altogether) with a unibrow, Santino Marella:

(in verry bad Italian accent) "I'll beat you like a rented mule, or a mule for purchase, bottomlines is, if there's livestock involved I'll beat you like it."

"If you wear a mask, it mean one of two thing. Either you ugly or... you are the Batman. ...And you sir are not the Batman!"

On the soccer end, the songs sung at matches are hysterical. On Chelsea's new Brazilian manager Big Phil Scolari, for example.

(to the tune of "Amore"):
"When it's World Cups you win, and Gene Hackman's your twin, you're Scollarrri..."

As I leave you to ponder my fondness for these hidden gems, let me remind you of their ubiquity. You can watch WWE Raw on Monday, ECW on Tuesday, Smackdown on Friday, on top of pay-per-view and other operations such as TNA. Soccer has English Premier League, MLS, Serie A, La Liga, plus these teams compete in other competitions including FA Cup and Champion's League - then there is the World Cup... Go watch. You owe it to yourself. And each other....

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Prez Debate Diary

Nothing interesting to write about, so let's do the thing that writes itself - Debate Diary!

I am joined by two needy cats, Trader Joe's wine, a hot lady in a stocking cap and Papa John's new Indiana Jones XL pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and black olives. USA v. Trinidad and Tobago soccer will be a part of the action via split screen viewing.

Anderson Cooper and Campbell Brown host the "Most populous political team on television." I may have even seen Marliyn Quayle hidden somewhere behind that Hispanic dude's eyebrows. Bob Schaeffer of CBS is our moderator. I am glad McCain will have someone to share potty breaks with.

8:05 - JM looks better tonight - more dapper and less angry. Maybe he got a gift certificate to where Rick Patino buys his suits and Bob Dole slipped him a Viagra.

8:20 - We have found the catch phrase of the night - Joe the Plumber - JM wants to lower his taxes, BO wants to raise his taxes - Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney want him released into the deep woods with only a bowie knife and duct tape so that they can redo "The Most Dangerous Game." Plumbers are good eating.

8:35 - JM just compared the Irish tax rate on businesses (11%) to the USA (35%). As the Irish have spent these tax breaks on blood sausage, poor dentistry and sheep, I don't understand his point. If elected, I would force the Irish to spend this savings on time management classes, deodorant and speech lessons. Feck ya!

8:40 - JM now wants to take both a hatchet and a scalpel to the budget. If he wants to get back i the race, he would make a commercial like those Direct TV ones that edit scenes from old movies. I see him taking a hatchet to Scatman Crother's chest ala "The Shining" and taking the scalpel to the "really big fat girl" in "Silence of the Lambs."

8:41 - Jozy Altidore takes on 4 T&T defenders to set up a cross.... GOOOOOOOAL! 1-1 in the 68th minute.

8:46 - Mr. Bob: "Gentlemen, why do you think your running mate is better than the other guy's?"

Obama: "Seriously? I cede my time to John. I can't wait to hear this shit."

Sorry, that was all of America's answer, not Obama's. My bad.

8:47 - I am 73% sure I just heard JM say about Palin: "she is a breast of freth air". I may be wrong. This Trader Joe wine is making JM sound like the ocean.

9:00 - Hot lady in the stocking cap thinks JM has a deviated septum because of his weird huffy nose noises he is making when annoyed at BO. I blame some bad guacamole from the Scottsdale Chili's (i want my baby back. baby back. riiiiiibs)

9:15 - Last question o' the night: "Our educational system sucks. What up players?" Bob waited until the last question to thug it up a little. Obama's answer: "Parents need to have their kids put away the video games and turn of the television." yesssss! I would add no fucking dessert until you take out the garbage. And stay off my lawn. Punk.

Quite a fun evening overall. I'll let Bill Bennett have the last word: "McCain has corrected crazies in the audience before. He told that one lady, 'Obama is not an Arab, he is a good man.' " Whaaa?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Worst T-Shirt Slogans of 1987

These are not real t-shirts. These are bad ideas of mine.

  • I'm With Stupid, um, I mean Robert Bork

  • "Perestroika" is French for "Father Stroika"

  • Does Klaus Barbie Come With An Albert Speer designed dreamhouse?

  • You can't spell Jessica Hahn without "C-a-n-s"

  • Mrs Gorbachev, I want to part your Berlin Walls

  • Segovia is Dead, but his fingernails keep growing

  • I rescued Baby Jessica and all I got was this dumb t-shirt

I just may design one of these if anyone complains.